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Add My Family Link | Adoption Agencies | Adoption Articles | Adoption Attorneys | Adoption Products | Adoption Professionals | Adoptive Families Home Page | Adoption Information | Available Situations | Dear Expectant Parent Letters | Disruptions | Financial Resources | Forums | Nurture Adopt Friends | Nurture Adopt Home | Older Children | Online Seminar | Respite Care | Scrapbooking & Life Books | Special Needs | Transracial Adoption | Waiting Families | Website Hosting | Contact Nurture Adopt | Documents Services | NURTURE ADOPTION EXCHANGE Transracial Adoption Statistics on Transracial Adoption What is Transracial Adoption? The term transracial adoption means the joining of racially different parents and children together in adoptive families. (Silverman, 1993) What legislation exists concerning transracial adoption?
MEPA-IEP specific intentions include:
(Hollinger, The ABA Center on Children and the Law, National Resource Center on Legal and Court Issues, 1996) How many families are adopting transracially?
What does the research show?
Bibliography Hollinger, J.H. and The ABA Center on Children and the Law National Resource Center on Legal and Courts Issues. (1998). A guide to the Multiethnic Placement Act of 1994 as amended by the Interethnic Provisions of 1996. Washington, DC: American Bar Association. Sharma, A.R., McGue, M.K. and Benson, P.L. (1996). The emotional and behavioral adjustment of United States adopted adolescents: part 1. An overview. Children & Youth Services Review, 18, 83-100. Silverman, A.R. (1993). Outcomes of transracial adoption. The Future of Children, 3(1), 104-118. Stolley, K.S. (1993). Statistics on adoption in the United States. The Future of Children: Adoption, 3(1), 26-42. This material may be reproduced and distributed without permission, however, appropriate citation must be given to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
Does race really matter?
What is Transracial Adoption? Transracial or transcultural adoption means placing a child who is of one race or ethnic group with adoptive parents of another race or ethnic group. In the United States these terms usually refer to the placement of children of color or children from another country with Caucasian adoptive parents. People choose to adopt transracially or transculturally for a variety of reasons. Fewer young Caucasian children are available for adoption in the United States than in years past, and some adoption agencies that place Caucasian children do not accept singles or applicants older than 40. Some prospective adoptive parents feel connected to a particular race or culture because of their ancestry or through personal experiences such as travel or military service. Others simply like the idea of reaching out to children in need, no matter where they come from. Adoption experts have different opinions about this kind of adoption. Some say that children available for adoption should always be placed with a family with at least one parent of the same race or culture as the child. This is so the child can develop a strong racial or cultural identity. These people say that adoption agencies with a strong commitment to working with families of color and that are flexible in their procedures are very successful in recruiting "same race" families. Other experts say that race should not be considered at all when selecting a family for a child. To them, a loving family that can meet the needs of a particular child is all that matters. Still others suggest that after an agency works very hard to recruit a same-race family for a certain period of time but does not find one, the child should be placed with a loving family of any race or culture who can meet the child's needs. Despite the experts' differing opinions, there are many transracial and transcultural families, and many more will be formed. If you are or wish to be a parent in one of these families, this fact sheet will help you by answering two questions: (1) What should you do to prepare for adopting a child of a race or culture different from yours? and (2) After adoption, what can you do to help your child become a stable, happy, healthy individual, with a strong sense of cultural and racial identity? How You Can Prepare for a Transracial or Transcultural AdoptionPreparation for adoption is important for anyone thinking about adopting a child. It is even more important for parents considering transracial or transcultural adoption because it will introduce you to all aspects of adoptive parenthood, help you learn about adoption issues, and help you identify the type of child you wish to parent. Any adoption agency that conducts and supervises transracial or transcultural adoptions should provide this important service. If you are undertaking an independent adoption, you should seek counseling and training in these areas. You should also read as many articles and books as you can on the subject. (See the resource list at the end of this fact sheet.) The following sections describe some issues to consider as you prepare for a transracial or transcultural adoption. Examine Your Beliefs and Attitudes About Race and EthnicityWhile you may think you know yourself and your family members very well, it is important to examine your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity before adopting a child of another race or culture. Try to think if you have made any assumptions about people because of their race or ethnic group. There are two reasons for this exercise: (1) to check yourself -- to be sure this type of adoption will be right for you; and (2) to prepare to be considered "different." When you adopt a child of another race or culture, it is not only the child who is different. Your family becomes a "different" family. Some people are comfortable with difference. To them, difference is interesting, wonderful, and special. Other people are not so comfortable with difference, and are scared by it. Thus, some friends, family members, acquaintances, and even strangers will rush to your side to support you, while others may make negative comments and stare. During the pre-adoption phase, you should think about how you will respond to the second group in a way that will help your child feel good about himself or herself. (We'll give you some ideas a little later.) When your child is young, an extra hug and a heart-to-heart talk might be all it takes to help him or her through a difficult situation. While the hugs and the heart-to-heart talks never stop, as your child gets older, you and your child will need more specific coping skills to deal with the racial bias you might face together as a family. Are you ready to fully understand these issues and help your family deal with whatever happens? Think About Your LifestyleBefore considering a transracial or transcultural adoption, take a look at your current lifestyle. Do you already live in an integrated neighborhood, so that your child will be able to attend an integrated school? If not, would you consider moving to a new neighborhood? Do you already have friends of different races and ethnic groups? Do you visit one another's homes regularly? Do you attend multicultural festivals? Do you enjoy different kinds of ethnic foods? How much of a leap would it be to start doing some of these things? It is important for children of color growing up with Caucasian parents to be around adults and children of many ethnic groups, and particularly, to see adult role models who are of the same race or ethnic group. These people can be their friends, teach them about their ethnic heritage, and as they mature, tell them what to expect when they are an adult in your community. Can you make these types of relationships available for your child?
Consider Adopting SiblingsIt is always good for siblings to be adopted together. It is no different in the case of transracial or transcultural adoption. Siblings who are adopted together have the security of seeing another person in the family who looks like them. They are able to bring a part of their early history and birth family with them to their adoptive family, which may help them adjust better. And with internationally adopted children, being together might mean they will be able to keep up their native language. Let's say, then, that you have examined your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity. You have thought about your lifestyle and considered adopting siblings. You are sure you want to adopt a child from another race or culture. What comes next? Fron the National Adoption Information Clearing House http://naic.acf.hhs.gov
How You Can Help Your Child To Become a Stable, Happy, Healthy Individual With a Strong Sense of Racial or Cultural Identity The seven parenting techniques listed below were compiled from books and articles on adoption and by interviewing experts in transracial and transcultural adoption. Some of these "techniques" are common sense and apply to all adopted children. However, with transracially or transculturally adopted children, these techniques are especially important. Parents in a transracial or transcultural family should do the following:
The next sections provide more information on these techniques. Become Intensely Invested in Parenting Dr. Larry Schreiber, former president of the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), an umbrella organization for a large number of adoptive parent support groups in the United States and Canada, wrote a column about his transracial adoption experience in the Winter 1991 issue of Adoptalk, the NACAC newsletter. He characterizes transracial parenting as a "roller coaster of exaggerated parenting." As a Caucasian adoptive father of African-American, Latino, Korean, Cambodian, East Indian, and Caucasian children, he describes transracial parenting as the most joyous experience of his life. He admits that he doesn't really know what it is like to endure the racially-biased name-calling that his children have experienced, but he was always there for them when they needed to be comforted and to help them get through those difficult times. Dr. Schreiber says that transracial parenting has both complicated and enriched his life. He had to work hard to help his children develop their cultural pride and self-esteem in a world that sometimes does not understand or is unkind to people from different cultures. However, he believes his children did overcome these difficulties and were able to develop positive cultural identities, mostly because of the help his family received from adoptive parent support groups and from other adults of the same cultural groups as his children. Ms. RoAnne Elliott is another experienced adoptive parent in an interracial family who has written about the importance of investing in parenting. An African-American woman, Ms. Elliott encourages parents in transracial families to empower themselves and believe strongly that their family belongs together. She writes, "You need the firm knowledge in your heart and in your mind that you are the best parent for your children. This empowerment is key, since you can't parent well if you don't feel confident, competent, and entitled to do so." She says that being in an interracial family is the opportunity of a lifetime, allowing you to embark on "a journey of personal transformation, growing in your ability to nurture your children along the way. This involves an alert awareness of difference and an optimistic expectation that cultural differences among us will lead to rewarding personal connections and friendships." The message, then, is that transracial parenting is not laid-back, catch-as-catch-can parenting. According to these two experienced adoptive parents, the demands are great, but so are the rewards. Tolerate No Racially or Ethnically Biased Remarks As adoptive parents in an interracial or intercultural family, you should refuse to tolerate any kind of racially or ethnically biased remark made in your presence. This includes remarks about your child's race or ethnic group, other races and ethnic groups, or any other characteristic such as gender, religion, age and physical or other disability. Make it clear that it is not okay to make fun of people who are different, and it is not okay to assume that all people of one group behave the same way. Teach your children how to handle these remarks, by saying, for instance, "I find your remark offensive. Please don't say that type of thing again," or "Surely you don't mean to be critical, you just don't have experience with . . ." or "You couldn't be deliberately saying such an inappropriate comment in front of a child. You must mean something else." Try to combat the remarks while giving the person a chance to back off or change what has been said. This way you will teach your child to stand up to bias without starting a fight -- which could put your child at risk. In addition, by being gracious and giving others a chance to overcome their bias/ignorance, you can help to change their beliefs and attitudes over time. Positive exchanges about race will always be more helpful than negative ones. Surround Yourselves With Supportive Family and Friends While you were thinking about adopting transracially or transculturally, did you find some people in your circle of family and friends who were especially supportive of your plans to become a multicultural family? If so, surround yourself with these people! In addition, seek out other adoptive families, other transracial or multicultural families, and other members of your child's racial or ethnic group. You will be surprised by how helpful many people will want to be, whether it is to show you how to cook an ethnic dish or teach you some words in their language. According to Ms. RoAnne Elliott, "You need a supportive community comprised of many races -- those who will be role models and provide inspiration, those who will stimulate your thinking, those who fill your desire for cultural diversity, and those who will challenge you in constructive and respectful ways. Celebrate All Cultures As a multicultural family, you should value all cultures. Teach your child that every ethnic group has something worthwhile to contribute, and that diversity is this country's and your family's strength. For example, you might give your Korean daughter a Korean doll, but you might also start a collection for her of dolls of many different racial and ethnic groups. If your child is from South America, go to the Latino festival in your town, but also visit the new Native-American art exhibit, eat at the Greek fair, and dance at the Polish dance hall. Incorporate the art, music, drama, literature, clothing, and food of your child's ethnic group and others into your family's daily life. Invite friends from other cultures to celebrate your holidays and special occasions, and attend their events as well. The area of religion brings up special concerns. You may wish to take your child to a place of worship in your community where most of the members are from the same ethnic group as your child; for example, you could bring your East Indian child to a Hindu temple or your Russian child to a Russian Orthodox church. What an opportunity to meet people of his ethnic group, find adult role models, and learn the customs of his heritage! However, before you do this, be sure you could be supportive if your child decides to practice that religion. If you have your heart set on raising your child in your own family's religion - one that is different from the religion practiced in the place of worship you will visit -- tell your child that the visit is for a cultural, not religious, purpose or perhaps decide not to visit at all. Practically speaking, you can impose your religious practice on your child for only a few years. As an adult, your child will ultimately decide whether to practice any religion at all, and whether it will be one that people of his or her heritage often practice, your family's religion, or yet another one that he or she chooses. While it is important to teach your child that differences among people are enriching, it is also important to point out similarities. One expert suggests that in an adoptive family the ratio should be two similarities for each difference. For instance, to a young child you might say, "Your skin is darker than Daddy's, but you like to play music, just like he does, and you both love strawberry ice cream." As much as you want to celebrate your child's distinctive features, he or she also needs to feel a sense of belonging in the family. Talk About Race and Culture How has race or culture defined you? What is life like for a Latino person in America? What is life like for a Caucasian person? An African-American person? An Asian person? How are persons of different ethnic groups treated by police officers, restaurant employees, social organizations, or government agencies? What do you think about interracial dating and marriage? As a multicultural family, you need to address these and other racial matters. Talk about racial issues, even if your child does not bring up the subject. Use natural opportunities, such as a television program or newspaper article that talks about race in some way. Let your child know that you feel comfortable discussing race-the positive aspects as well as the difficult ones. On the positive side, a child of a certain race may be given preferential treatment or special attention. On the other hand, even a young child needs to know that while your family celebrates difference, other families do not know many people who are different. These families are sometimes afraid of what they do not know or understand, and may react at times in unkind ways. It can be difficult to deal with such issues, especially when your child is young and does not yet know that some adults have these negative feelings, but you have to do it. You will help your child become a strong, healthy adult by preparing him or her to stand up in the face of ignorance, bias, or adversity. Stand behind your children if they are the victim of a racial incident or have problems in your community because of the unkind actions of others. This does not mean you should fight their battles for them, but rather support them and give them the tools to deal with the blows that the world may hand them. Confront racism openly. Discuss it with your friends and family and the supportive multicultural community with which you associate. Rely on adults of color to share their insights with both you and your child. Above all, if your child's feelings are hurt, let him talk about the experience with you, and acknowledge that you understand. Ms. Lois Melina, a Caucasian adoptive parent of Korean children and a noted adoption writer, lists five questions for you to ask your child to help him or her deal with problem situations:
It is important to leave the choice of your involvement up to your child. This way, you show that you are available to help, but also that you have confidence in your child's ability to decide when your help is needed. Expose Your Child to a Variety of Experiences so That He or She Develops Physical and Intellectual Skills That Build Self-Esteem This parenting technique is important for all children, but it is especially important for children of color. Children of color need every tool possible to build their self-esteem. While society has made strides in overcoming certain biases and forms of discrimination, there remain many subtle and not-so-subtle color or race-related messages that are discouraging and harmful to young egos. Be alert to negative messages that are associated with any race or culture. Point them out as foolish and untrue. Emphasize that each person is unique and that we all bring our own individual strengths and weaknesses into the world. Frequently compliment your child on his or her strengths. Draw attention to the child's ability to solve math problems, play ball, dance, play a musical instrument, ride a bike, take photographs, perform gymnastics, or any other activity that increases confidence. Self-esteem is built on many small successes and lots of acknowledgement. A strong ego will be better able to deal with both the good and the bad elements of society. As your child gets older, keep in touch with his or her needs: this might mean buying him or her a few of the in clothes or enrolling him or her on the popular teams. Stay in tune with your child's natural skills and talents, and do whatever you can to help him or her develop them at each age. Take Your Child to Places Where Most of the People Present are from His or Her Race or Ethnic Group If you bring your African-American child to an African-American church, or your Peruvian child to a Latino festival, your child will experience being in a group in which the number of people present of his ethnic group is larger than the number of Caucasians present. Adoptive family support group events are other places where this might happen. Children usually enjoy these events very much. If you adopted a young child from another country, you might consider taking a trip to that country when the child is older and can understand what the trip is all about. Many adoptive families who take such a trip find it to be a wonderful learning experience. Another benefit of such an experience is that it might be one of the few times when you feel what it is like to be in the minority. This will increase your awareness and ability to understand your child's experience as a minority individual. Racism is Still Alive! Parenting the AA Child
Unfortunately, as much as we would like to believe it is dead, racism is not dead. Here’s some statistics about people of color:
“Even in the most protected of environments, it is possible for bad stuff to happen. In a racist society, even the youngest among us will sooner or later have a negative experience relating to race. Imagining that as white parents, we can somehow prevent this from happening, is wishful thinking. We must support our child’s sense of dignity and competence instead of our own need to rescue. Parents in same race families can anticipate what is coming and are not likely to let their children out into the world without tools for taking care of themselves, just as no parent would let their child learn how to cross the street without tools for avoiding getting hit by oncoming traffic.” Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall
We need to prepare our children for racism. Hopefully, it won’t go further than name-calling, but sometimes it can get violent. It is so important that we help our children (ALL our children—any color!!), especially our AA children, gain a strong racial identity, self-esteem, confidence, etc. They need to know they are of worth, just the way they are. That said, we need to arm and prepare them for what is coming. Make sure it is age appropriate. Don’t wait for your child to come home upset about something that happened at school or out playing before you address racism.
Your child may become the object of racism from both sides of the issue—white people and black people. Racism is displayed through name-calling, racial slurs, inferior treatment, exclusion, pre-conceived expectations or physical violence. You can identify the names that may be used. You can explain the history behind the slur.
Emphasize that you understand these things hurt. “When you hurt with your child, they truly become yours” (Bonnie Peters). Emphasize that your child doesn’t deserve this treatment and that s/he is a good person. People who really know her and how wonderful she is, would never say anything like that to her. Help your child understand and internalize that what they think of themselves is far more important that what anyone else thinks of them.
Your child will need to develop coping techniques—problem solving skills, non-responses, verbal and non-verbal responses. Empower your child to deal with it. Comments, accompanied by staring (especially around the torso), such as “My mother says people like you are ignorant” or whispering a response, are effective. They need to externalize the comments of others. Never justify or explain away the comments or behavior. It’s not acceptable, regardless of why it was done. The person’s intent has nothing to do with how your child feels. Make sure your home is a No-Tolerance Zone for racial slurs.
Model appropriate behavior. If you are there when a comment is made, you can handle it in some of these ways…(to an adult) ”I am not comfortable with what you just said and I’d appreciate it if you would never repeat it. Your remark is offensive, because it says some people are worth less than others are because of the color of their skin, which is neither true nor funny. The world has more than enough anger and pain to go around, so how about putting a lid on contributions like that?” (to a child) “Talk like that hurts people’s feelings. I won’t let you talk that way here.”
There is more than one way to be black. Use heroes—books, movies, professionals such as doctors or attorneys or engineers, etc. Don’t just use sports stars or music stars and actors. Make sure you include AA heroes, as well as heroes from every race. Visit places where there is a greater racial diversity.
“Transracial adoptive families rest on the capacity to love one another without the common markers of ‘sameness.’ We don’t look alike; the world doesn’t treat us like other families; each member of our family comes with a different history. But when we ask, ‘Who is on my side? Who (II Kings 9:32) the answer is our family members.
“Wrapped together under a splendid quilt that holds us warm, holds us up and tucks us into our daily lives, we act like a tribe, because that’s what we are. We serve as allies for one another, because we must. We pool our resources because that’s what families do. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts; all we ask is to be.
“Transracial families are pioneers. Our lives are miracles. We share a respect for difference and an appreciation for diversity that are models for all people and all communities. Life provides us with more opportunities every day than most people get in a lifetime.
“Adoption is the work of a lifetime. At this point we have come to realize that we get lots of chances to revisit the same issues. We recognize that our children have power all their own that will help them stand tall in this race-sensitive culture. We recognize that we will never graduate from the school of understanding race, but that we will continually be given opportunities to grow. Our children recognize that they have the opportunity to be members of more than one family and more than one community. We are assured that our antennae become ever more sensitive, and that every day is another chance to be a good multiracial family member. Together we can make a difference.”
Gail Steinberg & Beth Hall “Inside Transracial Adoption
Adapted from Parenting the Transracial Child, presented by Yvonne Johanson at the Utah Adoption Council Conference, April 2004
*~*~*~~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Answering Sensitive Questions
Plan on getting questions ranging from “Is your husband (wife) black (or….)?” to really insensitive comments about a birthparent or your child…or you for adopting a child of another race, especially if it’s AA. Be prepared with a couple answers. You may get questions there is no way to prepare for because of the insensitivity or cruelness of the questioner. If all else fails, don’t hesitate to come back with “I can’t believe you would ask a question like that!” or “Come on sweetheart, some people are just so rude!” and walk away. Some people just need to be educated! If your child is there when the question is asked, you will have some damage control to do.
Physical and Medical Aspects
AA Skin & Hair
Building Racial Identity: For White parents of Black children (full or biracial), doing your child's hair is totally different from doing your own. It's something most White people never had an opportunity to learn about. It is essential to your children's sense of identity and self-esteem that they are given the opportunity to look like they are well-cared for and groomed; this is particularly true for transracial families, already subjected to unusual social scrutiny by others who aren't quite sure you are really a family. How your children look can shape the conclusions outsiders draw. Children notice others' assessments and often interpret them as evidence of their own inadequacy. Young children are very concrete. They need to feel beautiful and handsome to contribute to a sense of pride in who they are. If their hair is a source of frustration and unhappiness, not just for them but for you, they may begin to develop low self-esteem. Questions to ask yourself: how hair-educated are you? Remember, there are no absolute answers. The ideas we offer here are common but are not universally held within the African American community. How often should you wash your child's hair? Probably not daily; maybe only as often as once every week or two. Water is a drying agent. Most African Americans have to be very careful about keeping enough moisture and oil in their hair. Frequent washing may dry out the hair, preventing the natural oils to moisturize. How often should you comb or brush and style your child's hair? At least daily. Children may be tender-headed and may dislike this process, but if you don't do it consistently, their hair will begin to mat, making combing impossible. Very often, parents tell us that they feel bad because their children cry while having their hair combed, but many children cry at first when having their hair done, even when they have same-race parents. Nonetheless, they are still entitled to look and feel good about themselves. And with daily (or more frequent) brushing, the hair will have fewer mats and thus hurt less with time. Natural-bristle brushes are often softer and easier to use than synthetic brushes. What is a relaxer? Should you press or straighten your child's hair? Relaxers are chemicals which straighten hair. These should not be tried without professional consultation, and they are rarely suggested for children under 6 years old. To press hair means to heat it, making it straighten. Again, very young children do not usually have the patience for this kind of procedure, which should be taught by a professional the first time.
Do you know what ashy skin is? Ash is excessively dry or flaky skin. It is important to use lotion all over your child's skin, using mostly natural lotions like cocoa butter. Should you use the same products on your child's hair as your own? Probably not. There are special products designed specifically for Black hair. These tend to be re-moisturizing, which is important. It is also essential to use some kind of hair moisturizer (creme or oil) at least once a day and after every washing. Make sure you use enough, so the hair looks shiny but not greasy. Are there specific styles that are appropriate or not for African American children? Yes. Generally, for boys, close cuts are considered attractive. Be careful about trying to have young children look too hip. Girls' hair is generally allowed to grow long and kept tied or braided every day. Since we don't want our children to have any extra burdens, we should be very careful about choosing styles from our own personal preferences over what is common among Black American families. African American children in White homes already stand out and often need the comfort of looking like mainstream African American children while still maintaining a bridge to their daily community. Should I take my child to a professional salon or do it at home? It is a very good idea to go to a professional salon that specializes in serving African Americans, where you can learn how and what to do with your child's hair. We recommend asking African American friends, others who would know, or Pact, to recommend salons open to helping White parents of Black children. A wonderful side benefit of this activity is the experience it gives you of being the only one of your race present in the salon or barber shop, while your child is one of the majority. Further, it offers you a chance to connect to new people who are the same race as your child. Also, it speaks volumes to your child about how much you value them within the context of their race. Nothing is as nice as to see your children leaving the salon with an extra strut in their step because of the fuss and attention they have just received. It's easy to feel great about yourself when you look great! This article was contributed by Pact, An Adoption Alliance. Pact is a nonprofit organization begun by two adoptive parents in 1991. In addition to facilitating adoption placements involving infants of color, Pact is a membership organization with a national reputation for excellence in offering lifelong support to all triad members. Pact provides the highest quality adoption services for children of color. Our primary client is the child. In order to serve the child, we address the needs of all of the child's parents, by advising families facing a crisis pregnancy and by offering lifelong education to adoptive families and birth families on matters of race and adoption. Our goal is for every child to feel wanted, honored and loved, a cherished member of a strong family with proud connections to the rich cultural heritage that is his or her birthright. Each year, Pact offers educational events attended by more than 1500 individuals, provides (free of charge) over 1000 crisis consultations to birth parents, and consults with hundreds of potential adoptive parents. Top priority is given to programs especially designed to support and inform adopted children and adopted adults of color. As Pact's national prominence grows, our ability to meet the needs of all members of the triad increases. Throughout the years since its inception, Pact's founders and small staff have dedicated themselves to the mission of providing the highest quality adoption-related services to children of color, their birth parents and their adoptive parents. Despite its limited budget, Pact has helped place over 650 children in permanent, loving families and has counseled thousands of adopted adults, birth parents, foster parents and adoptive parents. Pact also works with adoption professionals to facilitate adoptions and to initiate programs that better serve clients raising children of color. Importantly, Pact goes beyond traditional adoption services by offering extensive post-placement opportunities for all families raising children of color (same-race, transracial, international, transcultural, etc.), providing informative and essential education, connection and support. Pact Membership Pact's Co-Founders
and Directors Gail and Beth have now written a book entitled Inside Transracial Adoption. If a book could realistically carry a thirty-odd word title, then this book's might be something like How to Get to the Place Where It Feels Almost Fun to Let People Wonder How You and Your Kids Could So Clearly Belong to One Another When You Look So Different! Using a careful blend of academic research, social reality and personal experience, Steinberg and Hall have honed their experiences working with thousands of transracial and transcultural adoptive families and as the recipients of three federal grants on transracial adoption, to offer detailed, step-by-step, get-real guidance for families about tough issues they will have to face related to race and adoption. They do so with humor and pathos, confrontation and empathy, mixed liberally with the gutsy panache for which they are well known in the U.S. adoption community This is a must-read book that pulls no punches. It is destined to become the classic guide to living Inside Transracial Adoption! To find out more about Pact, and the services they provide, visit PactAdopt.org, e-mail info@pactadopt.org, or call (866) 722-8257.
Medical risks
There are some specific medical risks with AA children. Diseases such as sickle cell are nearly exclusive to people of African decent.
Support Groups/Association
Supporting Transracial Families: Start From Where They Are When eight-year-old Timothy read some posters in his neighborhood that said "Stop stealing our children and calling it adoption. Take back our children!" he woke up screaming in the night. In his nightmare, monsters stole him from his mom and dad, the family he has belonged to since he was born. The monsters were African Americans, the same as Timmy. Timmy's parents by adoption are White. After he saw those signs, Timmy started to show fear of people of his own race. He thinks his mother is crazy because she wants to keep going to the local African American church. When she wanted to welcome a new Black family who moved in down the street, he hid under his bed. Timmy thinks the man who put up the sign wants to take him away from his family. Though he and his family have many friends of color, night after night, Timmy's nightmares keep returning. When we listen to people who think they know all the answers about transracial placements, we want to put our hands over our eyes and groan, for we see what they do not see, the children who are already growing up with parents of a different race than their own. Debate about transracial adoption and foster care is old news in the child welfare community. The National Association of Black Social Workers has not changed its 1972 position that transracial adoption is a "form of genocide." Others argue that while there is no empirical research providing evidence that transracial placement is harmful to kids, there is no doubt that growing up without permanence is damaging. Meanwhile, the number of children in foster care rose by 50 percent between 1986 and 1991 and is still rising. Like it or not, transracial placements continue to be made. This increase is due to the fact that more than half of the children in need of homes are African American and not enough racially-matched homes are available. Children are being raised by parents of different races from their own. These children can't wait for the debate to be resolved. We must respect families as they exist. How do we support these children in a way that doesn't force them to choose between their family and their race? To understand how to support children of color who have been adopted into White homes, we must first understand what these children face in a society that is biased about both adoption and race. We are witnessing the decline of the "dominant culture" theory. Those who are now classified as minorities are fast becoming the majority. Still, we are bombarded by racist values, no matter our skin color. A quick look at our national heroes and at the people held up by the media, advertising, and academia makes the point. African Americans, Latinos, Asians, Native Americans, and people of mixed racial heritage in positions of power stand out as exceptions to the European American norms, in spite of the fact that their numbers are growing. A child growing up with parents of another race must learn the skills that are necessary for survival in times of increasing racial tension. In a racist society, being both comfortable and aware in one's own skin is a life and death matter. Children cannot choose between their family and their race without negating integral pieces of themselves. The goal is for these kids to be comfortable in all the worlds they populate. Every adopted person has a dual identity: one based on his or her genetic family system, the other shaped by the experiences within the family that raises the child. Children in transracial placements live with two racial realities as well. Parents must help children to feel part of the race with which society will identify them. To learn to walk the walk and talk the talk, these children must have role models within their race. No one who is White can know what it is to be a person of color. If White parents love their children, they must be willing to sacrifice their own comfort in living in a lily-white neighborhood or always being in the majority. They must choose friends, business partners, and the professionals who populate their lives to include adults of their child's race. Picture books, ethnic restaurants and festivals are not enough. Communities must welcome children from transracial families and allow them to participate on every level possible, regardless of who their parents are. We all must affirm and acknowledge these children's dual identities in both the European and African American community as well as within their birth and adoptive families. If we are successful, we will raise adults in a unique position to understand and access a society still White-dominated while standing with pride and power in their own racial identity and self-awareness. This article was contributed by Pact, An Adoption Alliance. Pact is a nonprofit organization begun by two adoptive parents in 1991. In addition to facilitating adoption placements involving infants of color, Pact is a membership organization with a national reputation for excellence in offering lifelong support to all triad members. Pact provides the highest quality adoption services for children of color. Our primary client is the child. In order to serve the child, we address the needs of all of the child's parents, by advising families facing a crisis pregnancy and by offering lifelong education to adoptive families and birth families on matters of race and adoption. Our goal is for every child to feel wanted, honored and loved, a cherished member of a strong family with proud connections to the rich cultural heritage that is his or her birthright. Each year, Pact offers educational events attended by more than 1500 individuals, provides (free of charge) over 1000 crisis consultations to birth parents, and consults with hundreds of potential adoptive parents. Top priority is given to programs especially designed to support and inform adopted children and adopted adults of color. As Pact's national prominence grows, our ability to meet the needs of all members of the triad increases. Throughout the years since its inception, Pact's founders and small staff have dedicated themselves to the mission of providing the highest quality adoption-related services to children of color, their birth parents and their adoptive parents. Despite its limited budget, Pact has helped place over 650 children in permanent, loving families and has counseled thousands of adopted adults, birth parents, foster parents and adoptive parents. Pact also works with adoption professionals to facilitate adoptions and to initiate programs that better serve clients raising children of color. Importantly, Pact goes beyond traditional adoption services by offering extensive post-placement opportunities for all families raising children of color (same-race, transracial, international, transcultural, etc.), providing informative and essential education, connection and support. Pact Membership Pact's Co-Founders
and Directors Gail and Beth have now written a book entitled Inside Transracial Adoption. If a book could realistically carry a thirty-odd word title, then this book's might be something like How to Get to the Place Where It Feels Almost Fun to Let People Wonder How You and Your Kids Could So Clearly Belong to One Another When You Look So Different! Using a careful blend of academic research, social reality and personal experience, Steinberg and Hall have honed their experiences working with thousands of transracial and transcultural adoptive families and as the recipients of three federal grants on transracial adoption, to offer detailed, step-by-step, get-real guidance for families about tough issues they will have to face related to race and adoption. They do so with humor and pathos, confrontation and empathy, mixed liberally with the gutsy panache for which they are well known in the U.S. adoption community This is a must-read book that pulls no punches. It is destined to become the classic guide to living Inside Transracial Adoption! To find out more about Pact, and the services they provide, visit PactAdopt.org, e-mail info@pactadopt.org, or call (866) 722-8257.
Siblings of differing races
If you already have children, birth or adopted, that are of a different race than the child you are currently expecting to adopt, there may be issues with the children themselves. It’s a great opportunity for you talk with your children and help them understand about racial identities and that we are all God’s children and He loves us all the same. Differences are wonderful, if they are approached that way.
Culture and Family
The Richness of Cultural Multiplicity
What can culture offer? “What is the worth of family bonds that mitigate poverty and insulate individuals from loneliness? What is the value of diverse institutions about the cosmos, the realms of the spirit, the meaning and practice of faith? What is the economic measure of a ritual practice that results in the protection of a river or a forest? We are all acolytes of our own realities, prisoners of our own perceptions, so blindly loyal to the patterns and habits of our lives we forget that, like all human beings, we to, are enveloped by the constraints and protection of culture.”
The Micmac people of Canada, name “the trees…for the sounds the prevailing winds make as they blow through the branches in the fall, an hour after sunset…Through time, the names can change, as the sounds change and as the tree itself grows or decays, taking on different forms.”
“In Mexico, a Mazatec farmer communicates in whistles, mimicking the intonation of his language to send complex messages across the broad valleys of his mountain homeland. It is a vocabulary based on the wind.”
“For the Kogi (of the mountains of Columbia)…the goal of life is knowledge, not wealth. Only through insight and attention can one achieve an understanding of good and evil.”
Among the people of Sarawak, there is no work for ‘thank you’ as sharing is considered an obligation. “There is one word for ‘he’, ‘she’, and ‘it’, but six words for ‘we.” The children of the Penan are “taught that a poor man shames us all.”
“In the language of the Inuit, the word uvatiarru may be translated as ‘long ago’ or ‘in the future’.”
“Just to know such cultures exists it to remember that the human imagination is vast, fluid, infinite in its capacity for …invention. Our way of life, with its stunning technological wizardry, its cities dense with intrigue, is but one alternative rooted in a particular intellectual lineage. The Polynesian seafarers who sense the distance of distant atolls in the echo of the waves, the Naxi shaman of Yunnan who carve mystical tales into rock; the Iuwasi Bushmen who for generations lived in open truce with the lions of the Kalahari, reveal that there are other option, other ways of being.” From “Light at the Edge of the World” by Wade Davis
Culture Defined
Culture is not necessarily the same as race. Race, nationality and ethnicity have different meanings.
Race refers to an anthropological system of classification of humans based upon physical characteristics determined by heredity. The characteristics that determine one’ race are strictly biological.
Ethnicity generally refers to a classification of people based upon their national or regional origin. Years ago, people were born, lived and died in the same area. Therefore, usually, the people of a certain area are usually of the same race anf often share a common historical and cultural background.
Ethnicity and Culture are not interchangeable. People from the same ethnic group may differ widely in cultural traits.
Culture is a system of values, beliefs, attitudes, traditions and standards of behavior that govern the organization of people into social groups and regulate both individual and group behavior. Culture is adoptive; it is created by groups of individuals and incorporated into group life to assure the survival and well being to the group’s members.
Culture includes:
Human culture is almost
entirely transmitted through learning.
The
history and development of intercultural adoptions--adoptions between
members of distinct racial, ethnic, national origin, and religious
groups--that have taken place in the United States since the end of World
War II, play a role in how such adoptions impact children and families
today. Most such adoptions, whether of children born in the United States or
in other countries, follow the pattern of adults from the dominant culture
group adopting children who are members of heritage groups deemed to be of
minority status in the United States. Within our country, children of color
continue to enter the foster care system in numbers quite disproportionate
to their population percentages, related to socioeconomic factors reflected
in different racial/ethnic groups.
Common Transracial Parenting Mistakes
7 Common Transracial Parenting Mistakes
Transracial adoption may present challenges that can lead to a rewarding family experience. Persons who live in a family where more than one culture is valued and practiced will have an advantage in adapting to our increasingly global society. Population projections indicate that by the year 2020, every person in the United States will live or work with persons of another background, and approximately half of all marriages will be bi-cultural or biracial.
Transracial adoptions are not a new phenomenon despite increased publicity over the past few years. Informal and formal transracial adoptions have occurred for centuries all around the world. However, misconceptions about transracial adoption persist. For example, current thinking suggests that to raise a child who can cope with prejudice and have a positive racial identity, parents must be of the same racial group. This is contrary to my own 20-year experience as a therapist and from reports I have received from other therapists. The vast majority of children we see who have identity and behavior problems are being raised by same-race parents and are living in their own cultural community. More than anything this suggests parenting is an art, not hard science.
Although I believe that being of the same race is helpful, but not required, to raise a child with a positive racial identity, as an African-American psychologist who specialized in psychotherapy with adoptive families, I have observed that parents of transracially adopted children commonly have problems related to the following seven issues:
1. Focusing only on racial/cultural differences Openly acknowledging differences is important, of course, but too often parents only discuss differences with their recognition of similarities, including shared likes, dislikes, common interests, personality traits, temperament, gender, spirituality and elements of family culture, including shared beliefs, traditions, rituals, and celebrations. There are many universal mediums such as music, that all groups share. BONDING BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD IS REINFORCED BY SIMILARITIES. While being of different races may seem to constitute a big difference, according to a study in Discover Magazine, race accounts for less than 1 percent of the characteristics of a racial group. In that study, researchers compared physical characteristics among various racial groups and found that the statistical difference in any one characteristic (ie: lip size, hair texture, finger prints, etc.) was less than 1 percent.
2. Accepting racism or stereotypes as a reason for underachievement or bad behaviour Particularly when parents focus on differences, some transracially adopted children use racism or cultural expectations to explain poor choices they have made. For example, a child who feels he or she is being treated differently by a teach may use that as an excuse for doing poorly in that teacher’s class, or a child who wants an expensive athletic jersey or jacket with his or her favorite athlete’s name on it may use racial stereotypes or issues of cultural acceptance to persuade parents that he or she needs the item.
In situations where a child is being treated differently, parents should intervene. However, the child must still be held accountable for his or her work and responsibilities. I am not aware of any culture that condones disrespectful behavior, swearing, smoking, etc., and while many groups across society wear athletic clothing, no culture describes wearing it as a cultural preference or characteristic.
To assess the child’s claim of disparate treatment, parents should consider the child’s level of responsibility at home and apply this to school and other environments. The single most important factor is the child’s character. Parents must first look at objective evidence (ie: test scores, completed assignments, etc.), then proceed to assess subjective evidence such as reports from other adults or kids and their child’s complaints. When the evidence confirms that your child has been responsible, but has not been treated the same as other children, then you have disparate treatment, which is racism.
3. Overindulging the child Out of fear of being labeled inadequate, many parents of transracially adopted children tend to over-react to their child’s wants and needs. While children should get all that they need for healthy growth and development, they shouldn’t get everything they want. Many parents, however, provide excess gifts and toys, too many structured activities, or too much entertainment; or they over respond to their child’s every emotion. Children given too many of these “extras” often become self-centered and have difficulty coping with life’s usual frustrations.
4. Allowing others to intrusively touch or violate the child’s boundaries Out of fear of disapproval, some parents refrain from telling others not to touch or excessively compliment their child. Some people experience anxiety when they encounter racial differences between a parent and child, and they over-react to mask their discomfort. Typically, such people react by touching the child’s hair or repeatedly commenting on his or her attractiveness, responses they do not present to birth children. Children often report feeling “like a puppy” when this happens. Birth siblings report feeling ignored or unimportant. In such situations, parent must assertively but gently set limits—even if they offend the person giving the unwanted attention. Caucasian parents have reported to me that simply saying something like, “Thank you. I think all children are beautiful, but please do not touch my child’s hair,” or “Sorry, but I don’t allow anyone to touch her hair” works well. Children do not have the ability to stand up for themselves at such times.
5. Not embracing diversity Transracially adopted children should have frequent exposure to people of various backgrounds to gain a sense that it is okay to be different. The family must become bicultural and practice at least some of the child’s ethnic heritage. Celebrating Kwanzaa or sending the child to Korean camp once a year will not be sufficient exposure to develop a positive racial identity. The home must reflect ethnic symbols, and cultural education should be a frequent topic of family conversation and frequent focus of family activities.
The cultural focus should be for the family’s benefit, not for the child alone. Becoming bicultural means integrating at least one additional culture into the family’s lifestyle and culture. If all family members receive a “cultural education,” the child will not feel different. Having at least one monthly family event (ethnic dinner, video celebration, etc.) is helpful, but complement this with conversation several times a week (concepts such as attractiveness, success, and community need to be challenged and broadened in family conversation) and daily exposure through symbols around the house (e.g. books, art, etc.). Anytime cultural education is focused on the child alone, it may become distancing and have a negative effect.
6. Not challenging racism Racism today is less aggressive and tends to be “invisible” in the forms of attitude, voice tone, body language and posture, or institutional practices. Parents must be alert to disparate treatment and advocate on their child’s behalf. Racism should be a family and community concern that is communicated as harmful to everyone.
7. Accepting Powerlessness Out of fear of inadequacy, parents may adopt an attitude of powerlessness. They demonstrate this by second guessing themselves and delaying timely parenting decisions. Small issues often become large, and indecisive debates become harmful to the marital and parent-child relationships. The child may also experience confusion and feel unsupported. All children need to believe their parents are in charge and know what’s best for them.
Professionals continue to disagree on whether parent-child cultural identification or bonding is of prime importance in adoption. My opinion is that a healthy permanent family is superior to an institution or foster home in meeting a child’s emotional needs. I encourage all transracial adoptive parents to accept their own cultural and racial identification as a parenting strength and to put their energy into making the world a better place for us all to live in.
Willie B Garrett, Ed.D. (candidate) is an adoptive parent and licensed psychologist in St. Paul, Minnesota
Building Racial Identity
From the New York Times Magazine, February 14, 1999
LIVES by Jana Wolff
Black Unlike Me
When a white couple adopt an African-American boy, anonymous struggles become personal.
“I hate collars,” shouts my 7-year-old son into his mattress, where he has thrown himself, 20 minutes before we need to leave for school. I just woke him and we’re in the middle of a fight I can’t remember starting. It’s no surprise that a second-grade boy would prefer to wear an oversize sleeveless jersey – Chicago Bulls red, No. 23 – rather than a button-down shirt with a collar. But this is a school day, I explain to Ari, and you go to school not to play, but to learn.
I didn’t like the mini-sermon I felt coming on, but I couldn’t stop myself. I chose that moment to make the connection between collared shirts and racism to my black son. I said that it was really important for him to look his best and do his best because there were idiots in the world who actually thought that people with dark skin were not as clean, or as smart or s good as others. My son could prove them wrong on all counts.
Even before I finished, Ari crumbled before my eyes. From face down on his mattress, where he was trying to dig a cave under his blanket, came his muffled voice: “I hate this.” And I knew just what he meant. He has heard me talk about prejudice since he learned his colors at 2 ½: “People with pink skin aren’t always nice to people with brown skin.” Truth is, the beginnings of this dawn-hour diatribe started many years ago, when my husband and I adopted our infant son. That’s when I woke up from a deep, white sleep. Suddenly, racism, which had always existed outside my focus, became my focus. When children of color become your children, anonymous struggles become personal ones with names and faces that you know.
I wanted to walk out of Ari’s bedroom and go back in as if none of this had happened. But it was too late. I had already done that thing again. That thing that white parents who have black children do: We move from racially clueless to racially conscious in the most clumsy of ways, never turning off our radar or putting down our dukes. Then we pass along our loaded agendas to our children and scare them with an edginess that is characteristic of late learners. I jumped in to fight the battle against racism with an indignation that was earnest but not earned.
It must be very hard for a child to have, as tour guides, parents who are tourists themselves. The risk is that the culture being visited will be reduced to its souvenirs. All I have to do is look around Ari’s room—pass the clutter of Lego pieces, open books and plastic swords—to see my son’s life as a pathetic collection of props: the Michael Jordan poster on the wall; the knitted Senegalese cap hanging from the doorknob; the framed autograph of Tiger Woods by his bed. The process of becoming black must lie somewhere beyond ethnic tchotchkes like these. I’m just not sure where. Ari’s preference for peers over parents at this age gives me more satisfaction than most others experience as their young children mature. In looking toward his black friends for clues, he lands on the symbols that they value most, and he makes them his own. The day he got his hair cut exactly the way he wanted – a severe buzz on the sides with just enough hair left on top for the barber to carve a Nike swoosh—Ari walked out of that shop as if he had grown a foot taller. I had his buddies to thank for that boost.
I want to expand the ways for my son to be black, beyond cool haircuts and athletic heroes. The images of success in Ari’s bedroom invite him to aspire to narrowly defined black standards; I’d rather my son experience the white privilege of believing that there are no limitations on who he can be and what he can do. I want Ari to internalize truths that aren’t yet true: that to get straight A’s is a black thing; that to set a positive example is a black thing; that to be a success in any arena is a black thing. But you can’t decorate your room with these constructs. It dawned on me that morning that you can’t rely on collared shirts to ward off bigotry or enhance self-esteem. “It’s O.K. with me, Babe, if you wear a different shirt.” Ari started heading for the dresser, when I added that it couldn’t be sleeveless and it had to be clean. From the top drawer he pulled out an oversize black T-shirt with Grant Hill’s picture on it. Then he sped downstairs for breakfast before I could change my mind or bring up the subject of racial pride again.
It is with a mixture of sadness and relief that I’ve begun to understand this much: becoming black is an inside job—my son’s job. I can help by bringing black friends and customs and even props into our lives, but Ari’s evolution into a proud black man will occur largely outside the walls of our home. And most of his growing, I’m convinced, will happen well beyond the reach of my loving white arms.
Building Racial Identity: General Approach: It is important to teach your children that race is a fact of birth which no one has either chosen or earned; and that being a racist is both a state of mind and a choice. It is essential to train your children to recognize racism where it exists (not an easy task, since it also means training yourself). Talk about racism and point it out when you encounter it. Minimizing racism's place in life may unfortunately allow your children to feel responsible for racist behavior they have experienced; to believe that they have somehow done something to deserve it; or perhaps to believe that you think this could be the case. Specific Strategies:
This article was contributed by Pact, An Adoption Alliance. Pact is a nonprofit organization begun by two adoptive parents in 1991. In addition to facilitating adoption placements involving infants of color, Pact is a membership organization with a national reputation for excellence in offering lifelong support to all triad members. Pact provides the highest quality adoption services for children of color. Our primary client is the child. In order to serve the child, we address the needs of all of the child's parents, by advising families facing a crisis pregnancy and by offering lifelong education to adoptive families and birth families on matters of race and adoption. Our goal is for every child to feel wanted, honored and loved, a cherished member of a strong family with proud connections to the rich cultural heritage that is his or her birthright. Each year, Pact offers educational events attended by more than 1500 individuals, provides (free of charge) over 1000 crisis consultations to birth parents, and consults with hundreds of potential adoptive parents. Top priority is given to programs especially designed to support and inform adopted children and adopted adults of color. As Pact's national prominence grows, our ability to meet the needs of all members of the triad increases. Throughout the years since its inception, Pact's founders and small staff have dedicated themselves to the mission of providing the highest quality adoption-related services to children of color, their birth parents and their adoptive parents. Despite its limited budget, Pact has helped place over 650 children in permanent, loving families and has counseled thousands of adopted adults, birth parents, foster parents and adoptive parents. Pact also works with adoption professionals to facilitate adoptions and to initiate programs that better serve clients raising children of color. Importantly, Pact goes beyond traditional adoption services by offering extensive post-placement opportunities for all families raising children of color (same-race, transracial, international, transcultural, etc.), providing informative and essential education, connection and support.
Pact Membership
Pact's Co-Founders and Directors Gail and Beth have now written a book entitled Inside Transracial Adoption. If a book could realistically carry a thirty-odd word title, then this book's might be something like How to Get to the Place Where It Feels Almost Fun to Let People Wonder How You and Your Kids Could So Clearly Belong to One Another When You Look So Different! Using a careful blend of academic research, social reality and personal experience, Steinberg and Hall have honed their experiences working with thousands of transracial and transcultural adoptive families and as the recipients of three federal grants on transracial adoption, to offer detailed, step-by-step, get-real guidance for families about tough issues they will have to face related to race and adoption. They do so with humor and pathos, confrontation and empathy, mixed liberally with the gutsy panache for which they are well known in the U.S. adoption community This is a must-read book that pulls no punches. It is destined to become the classic guide to living Inside Transracial Adoption! To find out more about Pact, and the services they provide, visit PactAdopt.org, e-mail info@pactadopt.org, or call (866) 722-8257.
Building Racial Identity: The oldest son, Gabriel Goldberg, holds his glass in the air with an awkward grace, praying not to be the one to spill wine on the starched white tablecloth...not again, not at this Seder. Though he chants the prayers respectfully, his eyes twinkle. He knows someone will spill something; it's part of the fun. His brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins stand around the table, raising their glasses, repeating the ritual of the holiday as they have since his earliest memory, as they will probably do each year to come he imagines, as long as his parents are alive. He can't hear his own voice separate from the others. Soon there will be a purple puddle in the middle of the table. "Never mind," Mom will say. "No problem," Dad will soothe. This is what it means to be part of his family. Passover is his favorite holiday. Soon he will have three matzoh balls, light as air, floating in his chicken soup. Gabe, who is eighteen, is Korean. He was adopted at the age of three. He can't imagine being in his family and not being Jewish. The Goldbergs practice their religion around the dinner table. Holidays are mandatory events. But outside the front door, Gabe does not feel like a Jew. In the synagogue, people stare. He doesn't look Jewish. No other Korean Jews attend services. When he visited a church with a mostly Asian congregation, he didn't feel as if he belonged there, either. He didn't know the rules. He felt like an outsider Ñ though he loved looking like the others. Now that he's a young adult, he thinks maybe he just isn't meant to be a religious sort of person. Holiday traditions are great, but for him they are about being part of his family, not about being spiritually connected. He hates to attend services in the synagogue. The challenge of religion for transracially-adopted people is having a dual identity in the context of religion. Dual identity means encompassing both the heritage of the adoptive family and the heritage of the birth family. But many religions expect complete allegiance: that is, one is discouraged from belonging to two religions at once. Logically, anyone who believes there is one true path to God cannot embrace two religions at once and may not experience conflict. For others, a choice is implied between the religion in which one is raised as part of one's adoptive family, the religion of one's birth heritage, the religion society expects one to be part of because of race, and/or the religion one might choose for oneself. Whenever you are forced to chose between one thing and another, the logical consequence is that you will lose the one you did not embrace. If Gabriel Goldberg, for example, began to practice Buddhism along with Judaism, his family might feel he was renouncing Judaism. Since, in their practice, religious traditions are family rituals, this might be seen as renouncing the family as well. Such a potential loss might make religion, in whatever form, too conflict-ridden, pushing him toward the conclusion that "he just isn't meant to be a religious sort of person." One of the things that makes a family feel connected is worshipping together. No one questions whether children who are born into a family are of the religion of their parents. Should the way one enters a family make a difference? The birthright of adopted children is the right to full membership in the family they grow up within. Being adopted means having a dual identity, the heritage of the birth family and the heritage of the adoptive family. If parents withhold their religion from their children, it is likely to become a barrier between them, a barrier that can make the child feel s(he) holds second-class membership in the family circle. Holding back in an area vested with history and importance is a way of keeping children outside the inner family circle. It does not serve them. We need to entitle adopted children to share all that their parents are. It is a disservice to lock them out of any family traditions. It means they are not full members of the family. Imagine this : Gabriel Goldberg hates Passover. From his room, he can hear his brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins at the table, laughing and chanting. He is excused from the ritual because he was not born a Jew. It is one of the worst nights of the year for Gabe. His stomach hurts and he feels cold. Not even the bowl of chicken soup brought by his mother can warm him up. It is a common characteristic of families who adopt transracially that they identify with a religion but are not devout believers. Such parents frequently wonder if they should raise their child within their faith if it is different from that of the child's birth parents, or if they can allow the child to have a different religion from the other members of the adoptive family. If there are several adopted children, should each one have their own religion? If this were possible, could it be managed by parents of yet a different religion? For true believers, these are not valid questions. For the good of their children, they must teach them to follow the path they believe to be true. Parents who adopt transracially are often encouraged to worship in a church where people of the child's racial background are in the majority, whether the service meets the adoptive families spiritual traditions or not. The church is seen as an important support base for the child, a place for the child to experience being part of the majority, the goal to keep the child from being deprived of the spiritual community (s)he was born into. In theory, this makes perfect sense. In practice, it may create a double bind. Unless the belief systems are in accord and the only question is finding a location at which to worship, there may be inherent conflict. Different belief systems are not interchangeable. If the religion of the adoptive parents prohibits them from worshipping in a church other than their own, they simply cannot take their child to any other congregation. What if the parents are uncomfortable at a particular church but attend anyway for the sake of the children? Will the children be able to feel comfortable or will family loyalty keep them from participating fully? If they feel comfortable attending services outside their faith, but only as observers, not participants, what kind of model are they creating for the child? Sending children off to church by themselves would probably not work, but sometimes close friends of extended family can take children when parents cannot, in good conscience, attend. Gabe began to protest going to services as soon as he got old enough to say no. He said, more than anywhere else, he hated being stared at in the synagogue where he had grown up. "It felt worse to experience racial bias in a place where I should have been immune Ñ a spiritual sanctuary ...but not for me," he said. If the religion of the adoptive parents is not one that usually associated with the child's race, the child may not ever feel fully included by the other members of the congregation; rather, a constant curiosity. Parents need to understand how the child is being received within their own religious environment. Though parents may imagine that their children share their parents' experiences, in a race-conscious society this is extremely unlikely. The child may have difficulty participating because (s)he continually feels set apart, never fully accepted. One tool available to adoptive parents is a working knowledge of the religion(s) common to people of the child's race. Without attempting to profess membership in an unfamiliar religion, a parent can nonetheless become familiar with the traditions, teachings, and social significance of the religion(s) which society might associate with the child as a matter of race. As with all important life issues, knowledge is power. Education goes a long way toward providing feelings of competency and comfort in approaching difficult issues. It is an advantage to any individual to know more about practices, structures, and the history of things that may come up in one's interactions with others. As with all complex parenting issues, perhaps the best advice is to strive to understand and value the child's experiences and perceptions. The power of adoption is in honoring differences among family members while celebrating the things which make the family belong together. The solution for Gabe Goldberg and his family is to practice religious traditions together within their home and to respect the different roads each family member might take in approaching the outside community. It's not a perfect solution, but for one family, it works. This article was contributed by Pact, An Adoption Alliance. Pact is a nonprofit organization begun by two adoptive parents in 1991. In addition to facilitating adoption placements involving infants of color, Pact is a membership organization with a national reputation for excellence in offering lifelong support to all triad members. Pact provides the highest quality adoption services for children of color. Our primary client is the child. In order to serve the child, we address the needs of all of the child's parents, by advising families facing a crisis pregnancy and by offering lifelong education to adoptive families and birth families on matters of race and adoption. Our goal is for every child to feel wanted, honored and loved, a cherished member of a strong family with proud connections to the rich cultural heritage that is his or her birthright. Each year, Pact offers educational events attended by more than 1500 individuals, provides (free of charge) over 1000 crisis consultations to birth parents, and consults with hundreds of potential adoptive parents. Top priority is given to programs especially designed to support and inform adopted children and adopted adults of color. As Pact's national prominence grows, our ability to meet the needs of all members of the triad increases. Throughout the years since its inception, Pact's founders and small staff have dedicated themselves to the mission of providing the highest quality adoption-related services to children of color, their birth parents and their adoptive parents. Despite its limited budget, Pact has helped place over 650 children in permanent, loving families and has counseled thousands of adopted adults, birth parents, foster parents and adoptive parents. Pact also works with adoption professionals to facilitate adoptions and to initiate programs that better serve clients raising children of color. Importantly, Pact goes beyond traditional adoption services by offering extensive post-placement opportunities for all families raising children of color (same-race, transracial, international, transcultural, etc.), providing informative and essential education, connection and support. Pact Membership Pact's Co-Founders
and Directors Gail and Beth have now written a book entitled Inside Transracial Adoption. If a book could realistically carry a thirty-odd word title, then this book's might be something like How to Get to the Place Where It Feels Almost Fun to Let People Wonder How You and Your Kids Could So Clearly Belong to One Another When You Look So Different! Using a careful blend of academic research, social reality and personal experience, Steinberg and Hall have honed their experiences working with thousands of transracial and transcultural adoptive families and as the recipients of three federal grants on transracial adoption, to offer detailed, step-by-step, get-real guidance for families about tough issues they will have to face related to race and adoption. They do so with humor and pathos, confrontation and empathy, mixed liberally with the gutsy panache for which they are well known in the U.S. adoption community This is a must-read book that pulls no punches. It is destined to become the classic guide to living Inside Transracial Adoption! To find out more about Pact, and the services they provide, visit PactAdopt.org, e-mail info@pactadopt.org, or call (866) 722-8257.
Books On Transracial Adoption Adopting a Black Child: Family Experiences of Inter-Racial Adoption, by Barbara Jackson. Adopting from Different Cultures for Perspective Parents: What It Really Means!, by Anna D. Friedler Adoption, Race & Identity: From Infancy Through Adolescence, by Rita J. Simon & Howard Altstein All Our Families: New Policies for a New Century, by Mary A. Mason, Arlene Skolnick & Stephen D. Sugarman Best Interest of the Child: Transracial Placement Re-Examined, by Jane Aldridge Bird Without Feathers, by Michael & Karen Derzack Birthmarks: Transracial Adoption in Contemporary America, by Sandra Patton Different & Wonderful: Raising Black Children in a Race-Conscious Society, by Darlene & Derek Hopson Ethnicity & Childcare Placements, by Peter M. Smith & David Berridge Exploring the World of Trans-Racial Adoption, by Janelle Peterson Gift Children: A Story of Race, Family & Adoption in a Divided America, by J. Douglas Bates Her Special Hair, by Cheri King In the Best Interests of the Child: Culture, Identity & Transracial Adoption, by Ivor Gaber & Jane Aldridge In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories. Rita James Simon & Rhonda Roorda Indian Child Welfare Act Handbook, The: A Legal Guide to the Custody & Adoption of Native American Children, by B.J. Jones Inside Transracial Adoption, by Gail Steinberg & Beth Hall Inter-country Adoption of Indian Children: Law & Practice International & Transracial Adoptions: A Mental Health Perspective, by Christopher Bagley Of Many Colors: Portraits of Multiracial Families, by Gigi Kaeser & Peggy Gillespie Permanent Family Placement for Children of Minority Ethnic Origin, by June Thoburn, Liz Norford, & Steven Parvez Rashid Preserving the Cultural Legacy: Black Adoption Placement & Research Center, by Marjorie Beggs The Case for Transracial Adoption, by Rita J. Simon Transracial Adoption: Children and Parents Speak, by Constance Pohl Transracial Adoption & Foster Care: Practice Issues for Professionals, by Joseph Crumbley Transracial & Interracial Adoptees: The Adolescent Years, by Ruth G. McRoy & Louis A. Zurcher
Difference Matters By Heather Lerminiaux, LICSW
“Is she your real sister?” How many times did I hear that question and wonder why the precious relationship that I had with my sister had to be defined and defended? Growing up in a family created and connected by birth and adoption offered many opportunities to wonder about differences. My family is different. We share a family history. We are adopted, not adopted, Caucasian, bi-racial, sensitive, social, quiet, intelligent, simple and complicated.
I have experienced what it means to be different based on how my family looks. I remember bringing new friends home and watching them look at y sibling, look at me, look at my mom an then listening to, “Wow, I can’t wait to see your Dad.” It was an awkward and often painful reminder to me that we were not accepted for who we were and what we looked like. We were different.
Our family looked different during a time in which adoption was talked about very little and understood even less. No one told us that these differences were “okay.” As a social worker, family therapist and a person with racially different siblings, I have learned that difference is simply difference, but that difference matters. Diversity is both strength and a resource. Trying to ignore, deny or hide them does not work, differences should be celebrated.
I have found it helpful to:
Find supportive and understanding adults. Adults may be role models who can answer questions for children and help them sort out some of the confusion.
Find a secret code language. My sister and I have heard “Is she your real sister?” many times. We no longer get defensive. We have fun with the questions. “No, my sister doesn’t look more like our father or our mother.” And we leave it at that.
Pay attention to the roles assumed by family members, based on their place in the family. Birth order matters. Who is the caretaker? Who is the baby? What do those roles mean for each child? Growing up as the caretaker meant that I felt a responsibility for the perceived hurts of my siblings.
Talk! Talk! Talk! Find ways to understand and feel comfortable with being different. Make connections to the adoption community. Knowing that your family is not the only “different family” can be supportive in itself. We did not now how to even express what it felt like to be different. Finding others like us has helped me better understand what it means to be a member of an adoptive family.
Now whenever I am asked, “Is she your real sister?” I smile to myself and know that our connection couldn’t be more real! Celebrating our differences has been an important lesson for me.
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