Positive Adoption Language
As with most other areas of life, communication skills determine strong relationships. With adoption being such a sensitive arena, positive, non-offensive, gentle, compassionate language is important. There is always the possibility that a word here or there may be said that can trigger negative, but if positive adoption language is learned and applied, most situations can be avoided. Some simple things to remember are "placing" a child instead of "giving up" a child for adoption. All children are "natural" (do you know of any artificial children?). That is one area where adoptive parents are stuck. It seems that "biological" is the most widely used term (even though all children are biological, as well, but adopted children are not your biological children). Your adopted children are your children. They are also the birthparent's children.
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Some links with good information
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General Adoption Words TO Use: Words NOT to use: child with special needs, special needs child placing, giving up
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Guidelines for Talking With Adoptees Please DO NOT say: You're special because you're adopted. You were chosen. Your Birthmother loved you so much that she gave you up. You're lucky. It doesn't matter. Forget it and get on with your life. You shouldn't be angry. You shouldn't be sad. Get over it! By finding her, you're invading her life. You have no right to disturb her life. You should respect her privacy. Why are you interested in someone who didn't want you ? If she didn't want you then, why would she want you now. You'll get rejected. Why do you want to find someone you didn't ever know? Ever since you started searching you have become obsessed. But your adoptive parents love(d) you so much. Your adoptive parents really wanted you. You're hurting your adoptive parents by searching for your birthparents. Babies don't remember anything. You're being ungrateful! You're being selfish and disrespectful! You have no respect for your adoptive parents. If she loved you, she wouldn't have given you away. You're being too sensitive. Why would you want to find her? It's the past, you can't change it. What's wrong? Weren't your adoptive parents good enough? How many mothers do you need? But you look like you come from such a good family. But you don't look adopted. Maybe that's the way it was meant to be. You don't need to know Your relatives don't consider you "family" because you're not blood-related. Adopting Older Children | Adoption Plan/Contract | Adoptive Breastfeeding | After Adoption | Appropriate Adoption Language | Are We Ready to Adopt? | Attachment Issues | Books on Adoption | Choosing an Agency/Facilitator/Attorney | Creating a Family Website | Cross-Culture Adoption | Developing a Dear Birthmother Letter/Website | Developing a Relationship with your Child's Birthparents | Fostercare | ICPC | Internet Guidelines | Parenting | Placement Risk Factors | Preparing For A Homestudy | Subsidies | Transracial Adoption | Verifying / Interviewing Birthmothers | |||||||||||
Guidelines for Talking With Birthparents Please DO NOT say: Forget about your baby Just get on with your life. Leave well enough alone, s/he has another family now. Why don't you just let it go? You did the right thing. You will destroy/disrupt her/his life if you make contact. You would have been unable to provide for your child. There is no way you can work and care for your child properly. S/he will have to spend most of the day with a babysitter! It was better for the baby to have two parents. S/he has her own family now. S/he is better off. But you've had other children and you should be happy now. If s/he needs you she'll come searching for you. You shouldn't search for her/him! You made the decision and you can't change your mind. You have no right to be in his/her life anymore. You have relinquished all rights as a parent. But you're not really her mother / father. That was a long time ago. What's the matter with you? She's turned out to be a nice person, so you should be grateful. I don't know how you could do it... I could never give up my child. If you really love her, and you're not selfish, you will give her up. No one will ever want to marry you with someone else's child. Don't get too attached to the baby. You're so lucky they send you pictures. That's so nice of them to let you see him. What a wonderful gift you gave them (the adoptive parents). Aren't they afraid you're going to take her back? How could you give away such a beautiful child? You're confusing them by staying in their life.
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Guidelines for Talking With Adoptive Parents Please DO NOT say: Anything using "your own" child? (Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child. Does S/He feel like "your own" child?) S/He looks nothing like your family. How much did she/he cost?, Did you buy that baby? What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent? Anything to do with her/his "real" parents (Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?) I sure hope s/he fits into your family! Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know. Too bad you had to adopt! Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant? You're doing these kids such a favor. S/he is so lucky to have your family instead of his/her own. |
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