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Developing a Relationship With a Birthparent | ||
So, how do you make a friend?
This is a very important relationship you are developing with a possibly
nervous, distraught, confused young woman. Your birthparent may be
calm and matter-of-fact about her decision. She needs a friend.
She needs to know that you will love her child unconditionally, and often
that is reflected in how she feels accepted by you.
Depending
on your circumstances, you may not have much of a chance to interact with
your birthparent. Some agencies/attorneys like to mediate all your
contact. Some give you the phone number and let you have at it.
How do you make sure you don't offend her? How do you let her know how
excited you are when she is in pain over her decision? How much
contact is enough? Too much? As is the rule with most human contact,
everybody is different. It's very much play-it-by-ear. Quite
often the first couple of conversations are uncomfortable. She isn't
sure of all this and neither are you. Sometimes you will hit it off
from the first word or the first 5 minutes.
There are
some basic guidelines, though, that will help you.
1. It's
not all about the baby. If you are only asking questions about the
baby, she will feel very
unimportant. Often
it's easier to talk about that, but she needs to know you care about
her. 2. Have a list of
questions...about her personally, her family, how she is doing, how her
doctor
visits are going, does she need anything, what kind of support does she
have, what are her
favorite...(see
verifying
birthmoms for a continued list) 3. Don't talk too long. If
there are long silences in the conversation, politely say you will contact
her another time, ask when it would be good for her, and call later.
Also, if the conversation
seems to fade, ask her to make a short list of
questions she has for you that you can answer
on the next
contact.
4. If you live close enough to meet, that can be a
wonderful way to get to know each other.
Take her to
lunch. Sometimes it's easier to take your husband, and her to bring
a friend, or
maybe it would be best just the two "moms". Ask her what she would
feel most comfortable
with. | ||
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Adopting Older Children | Adoption Plan/Contract | Adoptive Breastfeeding | After Adoption | Appropriate Adoption Language | Are We Ready to Adopt? | Attachment Issues | Books on Adoption | Choosing an Agency/Facilitator/Attorney | Creating a Family Website | Cross-Culture Adoption | Developing a Dear Birthmother Letter/Website | Developing a Relationship with your Child's Birthparents | Fostercare | ICPC | Internet Guidelines | Parenting | Placement Risk Factors | Preparing For A Homestudy | Subsidies | Transracial Adoption | Verifying / Interviewing Birthmothers | ||