How many of us go into adoption thinking love conquers all and that love will encase your relationship from the time you put your eyes on each other? Sometimes that really does happen. Usually there is a period of time…sometimes very brief and sometimes years, where that magic isn't automatically there. Attachments issues are very real. More frequent attachment problems come with older children, but a baby can be born with attachment issues. The mind is a complex and remarkable thing, and emotions are affected from the beginning. Many parents feel they are a failure because they don't feel the love they thought they would from the beginning of the placement. Or maybe they do, but the child doesn't….or both don't. Sometimes it's one parent, or both, or just the child. Generally, a child must grieve their losses before they will be able to attach to a new primary caregiver.

ALL institutionalized children from foreign countries, and children in fostercare have some attachment issues. There are many instances where there are attachment issues in biological families where there is no adoption--this can be due to the mother being ill after (or before) birth, or the baby being ill where bonding time is restricted. Attachment Issues can be overcome or at least become livable. Sometimes easily, and sometimes not. But there is HOPE!

Child Attachment Issues

If nobody had ever loved you, if nobody ever cared about you, if you had been abandoned, maybe several times….where would your trust level be? A child who is not given the love, tenderness, and attention as an infant that is needed to build trust, they do not attach to caregivers. Allowing an attached baby to "cry it out" on occasion isn't going to hurt them, or to cry for a few minutes when you know they are tired and need to sleep. But repeatedly being ignored, not getting changed when needed, fed when hungry, calmed when upset, etc., a child grows up not trusting that those who are supposed to take care of them, will actually do it. When they are put into a loving home, they feel it will not last. The scriptures tell us that "We love Him because he first loved us" is very much an attachment philosophy. The child was never gently talked to, caressed, rocked, played with, etc. They do not know what love is or how to accept it. There are a lot of resources on attachment disorder. We are anxiously waiting more proactive, directed, available counseling for attachment disorder, and education by adoption professionals to prepare families for the adoption experience. There is a lot of information on the web, lots of support groups and boards. Research information about treatment.

Parental Attachment Issues

Give yourself time to love your child. It almost feels evil to not feel overpowering love for a baby (or child), now your baby, as you hold that sweet, precious little soul in your arms. You are not a bad person if you do not feel that attachment immediately. Did you love your spouse the moment your met? Sometimes love takes time, even with a baby. Fertility issues sometimes come into play with this. If it seems to be taking an eternity and you still aren't feeling like your love is growing for your child, seek some counseling. You are not the only person who has felt this way. Even biological parents at times have attachment issues, for various reasons. The more information you have, the sooner you can do those things that create attachment.

It seems like parental attachment is rarely addressed in the adoption world, therefore those dealing with it feel isolated and that something is wrong with them. When you have adopted an older child, you may feel like if you just love them enough, everything will be okay. After weeks or months of being pushed away by your child, your feelings may change. Anger, frustration, hurt, etc., are normal….as my friend has told me--not acceptable, but understandable. It's important to have a good support system in place. Many of us don't talk about how we are feeling because we are embarrassed or ashamed. Maybe we fear that our child will be taken away (or won't? :)). We feel like unworthy, failing parents. Attachment issues will never just disappear. They need to be acknowledged, explored and healed. Sometimes it takes a constant reminder to yourself that your child is not out to hurt or destroy you. If you can prepare for the possibility of attachment issues before you adopt, it helps, but it doesn't necessarily prevent it from happening. A good suggestion would be to do lots of research on Attachment Disorder before you adopt, especially if you are adopting an older child, but even with a newborn. Research it on the internet. In my opinion, every child should receive some kind of "attachment therapy" to insure healthy, well-adjusted people. Nancy Thomas has some great books and videos. She has seminars around the country. There are many philosophies about attachment, and it is a VERY good idea to read as much as possible from all spectrums before formulating your own opinions and plan of action for your situation.

My Experience

There is so much I wish I knew 12 years ago when we adopted a ten year old from India, and 2 years later when we got a 7 and 5 year old. I had never heard of attachment issues, and didn't for several years. I thought it was me. There was something wrong with me causing all this. Prior education about attachment issues will help you prevent a lot of guilt, remorse and delays in yourself in dealing with attachment issues. I have a friend that became suicidal because she couldn't deal with the fact that things were so different with her son and that she must be evil because she didn't love him the "same" and wasn't bonding. Luckily, she was able to work through all of it and things are remarkably better. It's something they are still working on 2 years later, but it's very different now. We are dealing with issues of attachment, not only with our adopted children, but the son that was 6 weeks old when 2 of our Indian children joined our family. He didn't get enough bonding time.

Arm yourself with knowledge and training. It will make a huge difference in your, your adopted child and the rest of your family. I truly believe that in every high school in our country we should have a class required for graduation that talks about attachment. I also truly believe that EVERY adoptive parent should be given information about attachment before actually having a child placed in their home. I feel it would raise the awareness to a point that we will have better parents all around. But, there doesn't need to be an adoption to have severe attachment issues.

Great Resource:  Holly Van Gulden:

Tape

Real Parents, Real Children ; Parenting the Adopted Child

The Dance of Adoption, by Holly VanGulden & Charlotte Vick (click for link to order)

http://www.fairfamilies.org/newsfromfair/1988/88FallKeepingSibsHealthy.htm

Also see for links, book list & info:

Nurture Adopt Special Needs-attachment

Online Seminar Home

Adoptive Families Home

Nurture Adopt Home

Adopting Older Children | Adoption Plan/Contract | Adoptive Breastfeeding | After Adoption | Appropriate Adoption Language | Are We Ready to Adopt? | Attachment Issues | Books on Adoption | Choosing an Agency/Facilitator/Attorney | Creating a Family Website | Cross-Culture Adoption | Developing a Dear Birthmother Letter/Website | Developing a Relationship with your Child's Birthparents | Fostercare | ICPC | Internet Guidelines | Parenting | Placement Risk Factors | Preparing For A Homestudy | Subsidies | Transracial Adoption | Verifying / Interviewing Birthmothers