Who adopts?

 So, just what kind of people do adopt?  What are the people like that you may be placing your child with?  What brought them to the point in their lives where they have made the decision to adopt a child? 

What Kind of People?  Not too surprising, all kinds of people adopt.  Some are wealthy, some barely have enough to provide for another child; some are single, some are married; some are well-educated, others are not; some have biological children, some have adopted children, some are childless.  Usually the main reason people adopt is fertility issues, but not always.  Often a single person wants to adopt, or a family that for medical reasons shouldn’t conceive, or they are older and can’t conceive, or a family that just feels inspired to adopt to complete their family, even though they may be able to have more children.

 It’s true, there are a few crackpots that never should be parents, that slip through the screening process and are able to get a homestudy and adopt.  There really aren’t many of those.  Adoption professionals are committed to doing everything they can to screen adoptive parents, so that the ones that adopt will be good parents.  Some people think a family just “decides” to adopt, and boom, they get a baby.  Be assured that the families you will be looking at as prospective adoptive parents have had to jump through a few hoops to be approved as an adoptive family.  They need medical exams, a thorough homestudy, reference letters, their finances are looked at, etc.  It can be a bit invasive, but necessary to make sure they will be able to provide a good home for a child.

What brought them to adoption?  Again, fertility is most often the answer.  Couples that have dealt with fertility issues often have spent enormous amounts of money trying to conceive.  It’s emotionally draining.  So, if they seem a bit anxious, they are.  Every cycle that comes almost feels like a death.  Each miscarriage is.  Each failed adoption placement feels like a miscarriage.  Often they can relate to your feelings of “losing a child” a little better than you may think.  Many of them have been through it several times.  There are big differences—they didn’t willingly relinquish a child, they may not have held their baby in their arms, they haven’t been through the real-life situations of getting pregnant when not ready to parent,  boyfriend issues, possibly abuse or rape, etc.

They will be a bit anxious wondering if you will change your mind, if they will really be getting a baby this time or is it going to be like another miscarriage?  We try hard to educate them on what you are going through so they can be understanding, patient and compassionate towards you and what you are going through and will continue to go through.  On the flip side, we hope you can understand the correlating rollercoaster they are on as well.  You are placing your child, your trust and your heart…and all that entails, with these “strangers”.  They are putting their hopes and dreams and hearts in your decision to place with them.  We would never say, “go ahead and place, even though you really want to parent, just because you feel guilty that you will hurt this couple.”  You need to follow what your heart and head are telling you to do.  That often is nearly as hard a decision as it would be to place.  Many times you get to know a couple well before placement and you don’t want to hurt them by choosing to parent.  They will survive.  If parenting is what you know you should do, then you need to make that decision.  The adoptive family has our counselor available to help them work through any disappointments that may come.

Because of many of these issues, most are great parents because they have had to go through so much to become parents.  In some small measure, we hope that is comforting.

 Conclusion

A gentle reminder:  In this situation, there are NO easy choices.  Parenting is not an easy job—a life-long decision.  Placing is a heart-wrenching, life-long decision.   The couple faces being childless (or one child less) or trying to adopt.  For them, parenting is not an easy life-long job, either; and a failed adoption is difficult for them—although in most cases it isn’t as hard as placing is for you.  It may or may not be permanent.

The decision to place needs to be made based on what is best for the child and what is best for you.  It can’t be made based on hurting or not hurting someone else, pleasing someone else (even if it’s your parents or boyfriend), money or convenience.  There are women crying over the diapers they don’t have, the clothes they can’t buy for their child, etc., because they chose to parent and are having as difficult a time emotionally as other women who place.  As stated above, there are NO easy choices.

Back | Next Page  | Options Index | Expectant Parent Home | Articles