"The Forgotten"

 

Sometimes I wonder what you see and feel when you look into her eyes,
will you recognize that I broke my heart to prove my love and now I cry?

Will you think of my pain and sadness for the loss I now must face?,
do you see me at all when you hold her in your embrace?

Can you fully comprehend the power of my love to entrust you with my daughter's life?,
will I overcome the sadness and break through all the emptiness and strife?

Can I face that I am in denial because so often I do feel ashamed and wrought with guilt,
I'll crush down this woman you view as strong and show you the walls I have built.

I despise at times the amount of strength I had to find-- and the fact I did it all alone,
will I ever accept the reasoning and know the fullness in how much I've personally grown?

Can I continue with forgiveness for these people who criticize my decision and talk behind my back?,
no one ever really supported my decision and still I feel that is the biggest part of what I lack.

So hard when the flesh takes over and I feel I have to make everyone understand the reasoning in my choice,
can I really accept that no matter what I tell them--- they did not hear my inner voice?

Can I change these people's ignorance and show them that it takes so much love?,
to step out in a faith all alone; remaining unselfish and trusting fully in the power above.

Will you forget me as her mommy because you are so caught up in that role?,
can you remember that I gave you the only thing that truly makes me whole?

And this openess that we mutually promised-- will it work and ever be?,
or will it fade like peoples words, "I guess you'll just have to see."

Does time really heal the wounds so that one day I am prepared in raising a family of my own?,
or am I so fearful of failing that my chances of becoming a mother are forever blown?

Am I slowly forgotten because I relinquished my rights by placing her life in your hands?,
do my words seem harsh or can you find it in your heart to try and understand?

All the what if's and could have beens eat me up and eventually wear down my very being,
do you understand there are words left unspoken and I am not what you are hearing and seeing?

Can I just be human and face I am now weak because for so long I remained so strong?,
every waking moment was dedicated to my daughter in hopes I would place her where she'd belong.

Can you understand the harsh reality I face in telling myself someone else was better fit?,
to provide a life I was unprepared for-- knowing I am capable; but empty-handed I sit.

Are you going to tell her I love her but that my love was not enough to have her stay?,
it was my ultimate love that set out on a journey to find her quality of life in a better way.

Will you ever believe that not a day goes by that I do not seek solitude so I can just cry?,
even though my decision is right I torture myself asking over and over again why.

I know you try with all your heart and your intentions are in the best interest of pleasing me,
can you just understand that there is no perfect in adoption and on my behalf there will never be?

Do you see that I provided you with my beginning and now it is hard to accept this isn't the end?,
I picture all of you enjoying my angel; my heart breaks-- and I seek peace to try and mend.

Can you understand that I want complete assurance that I am never forgotten in the coming years?,
I know that as her mother that will always be the most important aspect I fear.

Can you understand I torture myself in trying to predict what I can never possibly see?,
I wonder when I hear her call you mommy just how that word spoken to you is going to crush me.

Do you know what it is like when people stop me and wait anxiously for me to try to explain?,
I want to say to them, "I CHOSE LIFE" but that would just cause me more complication and pain.

Can I make you understand how it kills me when I see a young couple happily appearing with a baby?,
thinking to myself that could have been me; and the tortures of the endless cycle of the word "maybe."

"Maybe" I based my decision on the fact that I vowed I wouldn't raise my child far from the reach of her dad,
I just couldn't breed another generation and give what I could; in knowing what I never really had.

My fairy tale dream was that I would have a child when my husband and I were willingly prepared,
how do I make people see that I never got my dream; but that it doesn't mean I don't or never cared?

How can I make others understand that placing a child up for adoption is more complicated than they see?,
that making an unselfish choice to recognize that life-- and endure to give better says a great deal about me.

Will you trust me when I say I seek no praise or admiration-- so please don't feel that is what you must say,
I do not take credit for choosing life and the path that was already planned to guide me to this way.

Will you just make me a promise in return for the one gift that I will forever in my heart always save?,
let me not become forgotten in her memory-- tell her I love her--- and let that be the gift I gave.

Britney Neilson

March 2003