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My Story...by Marcie Lee
I sat with
Matthew Paul in the hospital...and wished time would stop. I did not want
to go home alone... and I did not want to lose my son. I got a number from
the hospital social worker, and I called, it was a private adoption
lawyer, and she came to see me the next day.
I spent all that
day with my son in my arms, He was so tiny, and he never cried. He just
ate and slept...a perfect little angel.
When I awoke the
following morning (the 6th) A women came into my room and gave me a gift
basket full of diapers, and lotions, and other things that I would need to
bring home with my son. She made me really upset.....how could she not
know that I was not taking home my son. I thought I had told everyone....
so that started my day off great...crying again.
I
was sitting with my son, and I just wanted to run with him, I did not care
where I ended up as long as he was in my arms... it took all day to
convince myself not to be selfish.
My lawyer
came...Cheryl is her name, and she was so kind, and compassionate. She
made me laugh.... When I never thought I would laugh again. I signed my
son over to her....(well her foster care agency) for 30 days. I really do
not know what I would of done without Cheryll's support, and
understanding. She left and my son and I sat. I stared and him for hours
and hours....he had my nose, and he was just so quite... I thought baby's
screamed all the time... I never knew I could love so much, it hurt so
badly but it felt so good.
I had nurses
cooing and holding my son, in a strange way it felt good to be able to
share it with someone. The next day I requested to be discharged... if I
did not leave then, I would not of been able to leave ever. The foster
care worker was at the hospital... I was a sobbing mess, I handed this
strange women my son and said "You care for him like he was your own...
promise me that?" and she promised. I was trying to leave, but nurses kept
hugging me, and one of them bought me flowers. They were trying to make me
feel less alone... and I thank them still to this day.
On my way out one
nurse comes up to me and hugs me, her touch was so comforting...I cried on
her shoulder...and then she said "don't worry God forgives you" I pulled
away from her and started to cry even harder. How dare this women say such
a thing to me... forgiveness is for a mistake....I made the first right
choice I had made in years, and this women has the nerve to say that to
me.
I walked alone to
wait for my cab.... my stomach was so empty, and I wanted to die. I never
hurt so bad in my whole life. I wanted the hurt to stop, I wanted to go
home and pretend it was all a dream...I never wanted to wake up.
Going home was
weird for me also...no one knew. Matthew (my brother) was an uncle, my dad
was a grandfather wow....this was the biggest secret I have ever kept. It
was so weird for me in that house from that day on.
I meet with
Cheryll, and we went over profile's.... I kept on coming back to the same
one. Jim and Lori, they were so happy and looked so in love. I decided
that was going to meet with them the next day.
When I got
home...Jason was calling...so I told him we had to talk. I met him for
coffee....and I never have been so uncomfortable in my life. It was so
good to see him again, after all this time, I needed someone to hold me,
and to comfort me...and it ended up being him. I told him I had his
son...and that I was putting him up for adoption...he cried. I felt like
such an awful person for keeping this from him...it was his child too, but
it still was his fault (in my head at least) for not being there.
I asked him to
come with me the next day, and he agreed.
I sat in the
office...I will remember this whole event for the rest of my life...and
Jim and Lori walked in. It was so weird, I wanted to pick out every fault
they had, I did not think any one was good enough for my son. We sat and
my lawyer did a lot of the talking at first. They brought pictures, and
their dog. They seemed to have a real close family, I liked them already.
I started to talk
to these people who I had never seen before in my life, I was pleading
with these people to understand me, to try and get how much I longed to
raise my son, and how much I needed help. I needed to find the perfect
people to raise him for me.... I was pouring my heart out to these total
strangers...leaving nothing out, my family history, my relationship with
Jason, how I named my son. Everything. It felt so good to finally tell my
story.. I was talking for over and hour, and crying the whole time. I
remember looking into Jim's eyes when he was crying, and feeling an
instant bond. They longed for a child so bad, and this was as close as
they had come so far. I stopped feeling my pain, and started to think
about theirs. They seemed so happy, secure, but they were missing out on
something so important, a child.
Lori and I went
out to walk the dog (and I needed a smoke real bad...lol) and we spoke
about school family, and open adoption. I wanted to hug this women, I
wanted her to be telling the truth about everything, I wanted her to be
the perfect mom for Matthew.
I met them again
another day, and the 3 of us went for dinner, at their home. I had time
to think about what I wanted for my son. I wanted these 2 caring people
to have a family, and to share their love with my son.
I knew this
already but I was not going to let them know...
Cheryll told
them, and I invited them to see our son. They brought a camera, and took
pictures. They only stayed for about 15 minutes, and I will respect them
for that forever. They wanted me to bond with my son. I will never forget
the look on Lori's face when she saw Matthew for the first time...Her
smile that day brightened up my whole world. My child was going to make
her dreams come true.
We had the whole
day set...I had signed the papers, but wanted to spend one last day with
my little angel. So Jason came over to see him for a bit...once he left I
sat and sang to my son. I held him tight, and I cried. I knew I was going
to feel the pain from this for the rest of my life...I wanted to clock to
slow down...so I could hold my son forever.
Cheryll and I put
Matthew in his car seat and headed over to Jim & Lori's house, when we
pulled up there were balloons. They were having a celebration for the
completion of their family. My insides hurt, and my heart ached like it
never had before. I remember Lori's mom saying "she is so beautiful"... I
never thanked her for it. They had a video camera there to record this day
for Matthew when he is grown. I walked my son to the couch and out him
down, I took him out of his car seat and handed him to Lori.... It took
all my courage to do so. I had so many doubts, but they were all
celebrating, I did not want to do anything to take away from this day for
them. I stayed for a while, and they showed me his room... he had so many
toys, and they put the teddy bear I brought with him in his cradle. I
stayed and got to know the family, and we took a thousand pictures, then I
had to leave. I could not stay there anymore, my son's new home was
beautiful, and his family I love dearly, but it was to much for me to
handle.
So I said my
goodbyes, and I held my son, I kissed him, and I told him that I loved
him, even though I had to go.... I begged him not to hate me, I did all
this for him. It was such a bitter sweet day. I cried more on my way home
then I did since I had my son. I cried until there were no more tears.
I have come to
terms with placing my child, I learned how to love unconditionally, I
learned how to love strangers, and I learned that sometimes you have to
give up those you love for a better life. That is what I did. I could not
love Matthew any more than I do, I get to watch him grow from a distance.
His mom has kept up her end of the deal.... she loves him so much, and I
find great comfort in her love for our son. I look back at all the tears I
have shed, and they were all worth it. They have a son now, to love and
hold..... even though he is not with me , I have a son to.... Matthew
changed my life and I will never be the same.
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