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"My First Visit"
I never really took the time to
comprehend just what it would mean to let you go and learn to keep
at a distance-- in having to walk away,
I just had to do what I felt was
best for you.... and choose to ignore at the time-- how it would
affect me...and how I would pave my own way.
When I left you the first time--
you were so easy to hold in my arms.... so small... and I could just
sit there and watch you as you would sleep,
but months have passed by now..
you are growing so fast.. not quite a baby.. it's so hard to face
that I do not have that to keep.
Not being there physically has
taken its toll on me... I missed so much in such a short time...how
I wish you were closer... how I wish I had you near,
will you love me one day as your
first mother?--- can you understand?---- and can I move beyond all
these fears?
I know that I am blessed to have
your new family who so graciously shares in the celebration of
you--- all your firsts--and more importantly the entirety of your
life,
but please know that just because
they are good people doesn't mean I face no complication-- or that I
do not feel some sort of pain and strife..
Others words are but echoes that
ring emptiness into my ears.. and leave such a bitterness and hollow
place so deeply in my heart,
everyone says that because you
are so loved and cared for that it shouldn't be that hard for me to
come to grips with once more facing that we are apart..
Now I take the time to comprehend
just what it means to let you go.. remaining at a distance--- this
is the second time I walk away,
I strive to do what is best for
you.. and can't ignore this time--- how it affects--- and how in
your name I pave my way...
Britney Michelle Neilson
August 2003
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