“Freedom/Acceptance”

It took me a long time to accept that what I did for my daughter was and “is” truly the best thing for her. I often sit and ponder about the most unselfish act of love a person can give. While I can think of many- only one demonstrates what it means to step out in faith and into the realm of love. For me, giving a child for adoption is that single most unselfish act of love. I did not give my child up- I gave to my child. My love for my daughter is my love. It’s my love to her as her first mother, yet recognition that due to my choices- she now has a new mother.

“This Heart of Open Adoption”

I see you as my daughter’s mother, but saying that often causes a bittersweet feeling. I see you posses so many of the qualities that I so desperately wish I had- when choosing my adoption plan. You are a woman of Christ—loving, kind, nurturing, creative, and very unselfish. You honor the Lord and your husband. Your marriage is one founded and rooted in Christ. Your desire to be a mother shines so brightly in your eyes, and is further demonstrated in your actions.

You showed me such qualities within moments of meeting you. It was never solely about “the baby.” You had a deep love and concern for my feelings. We both faced together just what “change” would take place. For you, you faced raising my child and fully accepting her as your own. You faced that you would have your own moments of motherhood- all the stresses and fears. All the joys and all the sorrow now belonged to you. The finances, the things you would need to physically provide our daughter with a good life. You also faced that you and I had formed such a close friendship before the birth of our daughter. You knew my heart, and you know now how much I love our daughter. You know the amount of faith and trust I put in you to surrender my child to you. Most of all you knew that the journey as a birthmother would be the road I would travel. You had great empathy for what I would face for the rest of my life.

 Although I was at peace with my decision, it was in that moment that I knew the pain of relinquishment. It is never an easy thing to tell yourself that someone you hardly know, someone other than yourself, is better equipped to provide a life for a child. My child. It’s a truth that is hard to face, and in turn accept. Yet, I did accept it. I accept it even now. I knew the openness we would go on to share. I knew that our daughter wouldn’t just bring you and I together, but my family and yours. Our daughter knows more love in her life now than most people know in a lifetime. It is that love that makes me proud and happy as a mother. We forever have a common bond—our daughter. Family is easy to define for some, but for me its meaning is too easily defined. Family to me—are the people that I am related to by blood yes, but family is also those I fellowship with and those whose common purpose is to love and be loved.

Now adoption is an even harder word to define for me. It’s a common bond of love that joins you and I together, as our daughter’s firstmother.

Some days I feel as though I have all that I need from you emotionally as her mother, in providing me with pictures and updates. Other days I could never really tell you what it is I am feeling because I care enough about you- to not want to hurt you. This pain of relinquishment is real. It affects me in many forms. You never really realize how many babies there are until you relinquished one. Little things that never affected you before start affecting you. Commercials, walking down the baby isle in the store, seeing a young couple happily appearing with a baby, and much more.

I know you care about me. You make the very evident in words and more importantly- actions. A bittersweet reality still remains. But it is a true reality. The reason for my hurt comes down to one initial fact. “You are raising my child.” I must face she now belongs to you. She will always be a part of me- nothing separates that love. But you are her mother. You are there for her first moments- her firsts in life all belong to you. Therefore you cannot know my pain in the deepest sense. Just like I can never know your pain of infertility- in facing that adoption was the way in which you would obtain your family. Both pains hurt. Neither pain is greater.

Our hearts are joined in this union called “adoption.” Because adoption has so many different meaning to so many different people- we choose to define adoption in our own hearts. You have decided that adoption is the way in which you will obtain your family. Because of that you are grateful to God- and grateful to me as our daughter’s first mother. Because of adoption- I know the pain of losing a child. I know a deeper sense of better preparing for motherhood. I know that the times I wonder about our daughter- and wish I was there physically- only helps create in me a deeper sense of motherhood. I know that I won’t take the firsts of my next child for granted, and I will do my best to be there for everything and in everything.

I know there are days you feel as though you would love to take my pain away. I know you realize my heartache, my tears, and my loss. But please know I must feel these emotions in order to move forward. To accept that I grieve my daughter’s loss means that I am true to my heart- and true to myself. It means I am facing and learning to deal with what is real. Pain is real- hurt is real.  We never want to see someone we love in such a fragile state, but it happens nonetheless. I am blessed that I am not hiding in the corner- ignoring this pain, burying it so deeply in my heart. Life has taught me that it’s only when I can face the pain and walk through it- can I be triumphant and rejoice.

I have said it many times, and mean it just the same. You are my “hero.” The way you love and care for our little girl blesses me. She has the life I wanted her to have- all the experiences, she will have. She is loved and treated with kindness. She is safe and told how special she is every single day. Her life is the life I prayed for, and I could never take those prayers back. The sadness and loss I feel at times is overwhelming, but the love you share with our daughter overwhelms me more with happiness.

Many times I find it hard to express my feelings toward you. Such a new and unpredictable journey we face. Adoption is so hard to define. Although we both have two hearts, they are joined in the love we have for our daughter. Though adoption is hard, we face it together. In openness- for our daughter, her feelings, and her heart.

Britney Michelle Neilson

September 2003