There are many things that I wish I had better understood before placing my child. I wish above all that I would have better understood the magnitude of my decision. Allow me to better explain myself. I guess at the time I placed and even before I was making a decision to relinquish my baby, I wish I would have looked at it in a deeper perspective. I wasn't just surrendering my baby, but my child. I wasn't just sacrificing her infancy, but her youth as well. I guess as time goes by and I see my daughter growing in pictures, and receive updates on her talking and walking progress- I just realize a deeper sense of what it is I really relinquished. Although I have no regret concerning my daughter's adoption, I sure wish I would have better realized that I relinquished more than just her life as a baby. My daughter is growing up and I gave that to someone else. I must remind myself that was and is my choice. Unfortunately some choices are harder to live with than others, but ultimately it was my choice. I would have loved to have been able to grasp a deeper sense of that-- if only to save me from all the heartache.

I wish I would have better understood that my decision to place my child not only affected me, but my family and friends as well. It was so hard to see that prior to placing because everyone who truly loves me and cares about me was right by my side, supporting me in my adoption plan. I realize now that just because others held their emotions in does not mean that they were not affected by my choice. I look at my mother and what a super Grandma she is to the other Grandkids, and it saddens me that she isn't an every day part of my daughter's life. I look at my daughter's biological father who loves our daughter so much, and I see how the decision affects him. I wish I would have better understood that more lives were and are affected by the relinquishment of my daughter than just my own.

I cannot pin-point one certain thing that finalized making my decision to place my daughter. At times in life when we really want to make the right choice and be positive, it seems for every positive there are a million negatives. I chose at a very early stage of my adoption plan to not be swayed by others words and opinions. I knew how I felt about the child within me, and I knew it was only I who could hear her inner voice. I believe remaining strong and focused on my adoption plan and refusing to be manipulated by others helped me to focus on the adoption plan. I think when others could see how hard I strived for seeking out all the information on adoption I could find, and the countless hours I researched it-- they could see I was strong in what I believed in.

Brit

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From April, a Birthmother

As I read your post, I let my mind go back to when I was holding my son in the hospital. I was very solid in my intention to place, but never have I felt such overwhelming pain. I kept telling myself I would be ok- but I can tell you that what your birthmom will do will test every fiber of her being. Leaving the hospital was incredibly painful- because I knew my time with him was over. Even though I hadn't "signed" anything yet, he was no longer mine. I knew his family was so excited for him, but their pain was my anguish.

Placing him in his Mother's arms was easier than I thought. I can remember hearing their voices as they met my parents. I was holding him in the next room- trying to freeze time. I stared at him and tried to memorize every detail of his face. I can still feel his weight in my arms, and his smell. All the little noises he made, these memories are mine forever. I tried not to cry, so I wouldn't wake him up, but the poor guy got drenched. When the case worker came in- I wanted to scream "Just 5 more minutes!" but I knew it would never be enough. I can tell you that nothing will compare to this experience for me.

After meeting them, I felt such a peace. I placed him in his Mother's arms, gave him a kiss and breathed in his baby smell for the last time. I know I did not leave that room alone, I felt like my Heavenly Father held my hand.

I always knew that he was not meant for me, but that knowledge and my grieving were separate for me. Yes, I grieved. I cried until I thought my face couldn't swell anymore. My milk was there, and my body still had the marks of Motherhood. I had a difficult time to say the least, but never did I regret my decision. I was part of the process for me. Even though I grieved- I also smiled and cried tears of happiness when those pictures came. The healing comes, slowly. I still get sad, when I saw that first day of school picture and those brown eyes so much like my own looking back at me. But I am happy for him, and I know I made the right choice.

April

Las Vegas,Nevada

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From Heather, a Birthmother, written to an adoptive parent

I believe it varies with each woman. It was incredibly difficult for me to place my son,

emotionally. I expect that it is to an extent for each birthmother. You are quite accurate with the thought that your birthmother will bond with the child for 40 weeks, and will naturally have somewhat of an attachment. I can only speak for myself, but its putting the greater need forward. The most important thing to me was that Dylan have an eternal family. I simply could not guarantee that I would be able to provide that for him. I also wanted him to have a family in which both parents were married, for eternity, and loved each other. I couldn't give him that either.

When the time came for Becky and Owen to receive Dylan, it was extremely emotional. I had received a testimony that I was doing the right thing, and that he was to be part of their family. But, it didn’t make placing him any easier emotionally. I cried, I bawled, and later I got depressed. But, that is natural for any woman. In a sense, I lost my child - but by choice.

If she is solid in her decision to place she will most likely love and hold her, tear her heart in half, and then send it away with the baby and you. It is emotionally wrenching, physically draining, and spiritually fulfilling. It is important that she go through it all, though. Its part of the closure process, and will help her heal as time goes on.

It will be difficult for her. If it wasn't she would probably be hiding some of her emotions - that could likely cause her problems down the road.  During the first few weeks, it was extremely difficult. The greatest thing that Becky did for me was keep her goal of sending me photos of him each week.  They were the thing I looked forward to. And as time went on, I needed the photos less and less. It went from weekly for the first few months, to monthly, and now after his first birthday we're at annually.

Love,

Heather

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"Is Anyone out there?"

By Nicole Lambert Strickland

I was pregnant and after endless hours of thinking and worrying, I had decided to make an adoption plan. I had chosen adoptive parents, Scott and Angee, and become very close to them. Angee and I had a very close relationship and she had become like a big sister to me. Angee cared about me, as well as the unborn child that would shortly become her own, so she began accompanying me to doctor’s appointments. She told me her plans and thoughts on how she would raise this baby. We had all planned on an open adoption, knowing this would be the best thing for our baby. All through out my pregnancy, I tried not to think of this as "my baby." I thought of him as Angee’s baby. I thought it would make things easier on me if I did not let myself get attached. Little did I know then, that calling the little life inside of me Angee’s baby was just a defense mechanism. I was attached by the beating of our hearts the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was not prepared for the pain, the hurt, and the heart ache I felt the minute I signed those papers.

Days after my baby boy, Charlie’s, birth and relinquishment, I found myself feeling desperate and alone. I felt like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. I felt happy for Angee because she had a beautiful baby that she had prayed for, but at the same time I was dealing with an internal mix of post partum depression along with grieving the loss of my baby. I could talk to my friends and family often about my situation, but I felt they did not truly understand the emptiness and ache of my heart. I was a birth mother, hopeless and alone with an empty pit deep in my stomach.

I had started counseling, but it really was not helping much. About a week after relinquishment I awoke from a dream of Charlie feeling helpless and sleepless in the middle of the night. I stared at my computer screen thinking that the internet was massive, there has to be someone out there who understood what I was going through, someone I could talk to the heartache about. I began typing in adoption related words into my search engine. Somehow I stumbled across an "Is anyone out there?" post by a woman named Lani. Tears filled my eyes as I read what she had to say. Her daughter, Kinsey, had been placed in an open adoption agreement just 4 days before Charlie’s birth. I immediately emailed her introducing myself and explaining my situation. I anxiously checked my email waiting for her response.

Days later, I received an email from Lani. "Finally, someone out there really does understand!" I thought as I read her words. "I understand how you feel," she wrote as she explained that she was close with the family she had placed her daughter, Kinsey with. She explained that she had a very open adoption with Kinsey’s family as well. Yet she felt the same emptiness gnawing at her heart, knowing life would never be the same.

Lani and I began chatting via emails daily. I would read her words of understanding and instantly feel better. She was not saying "you can have other kids," or "at least you can still see him," like friends and co-workers did. She was saying, "I feel empty too." She was the only person who could really relate to what I was saying and feeling. There was an immediate bond between us. As we got to know each other, we began to notice some amazing coincidences and we felt like God had intended for us to meet and help each other through this. We lived pretty close to each other, only about 3 hours away. She lived in Georgia, in the same city as my Grandmother and Aunt. We were both parenting sons who were the same age and each of our sons had major complications at birth. Lani’s daughter was born just 4 days before Charlie’s birth, which just so happened to be my birthday as well!

Soon emails turned into phone calls. Thanks to Lani’s great cell phone plan with free long distance and unlimited minutes after 9, we were able to talk often! We would chat late into the night, about the hurt of going on with life while someone else raised our babies. We discussed the ignorance of society in general towards birth moms and swapped rude encounters with people who knew we were birth moms. Lani immediately called me when someone chewed her out telling her that she had abandoned her own flesh and blood and that she did not love her daughter. Lani listened to me cry, as I told her how Charlie’s parents had brought him into the restaurant where I worked and how I had held him so tightly and did not want to let him to go. Lani’s daughter’s family lived out of state and I was the first one she would call when she received a package with pictures. I understood how much those pictures meant, but also understood how it was bittersweet to miss the first smile. We cried on each others shoulders as we mourned the loss of our babies and made it through them turning one month, two months old, and so on. We did all this together.

Lani and I had been trying to plan a time to meet each other face to face. Our busy lifestyles and hectic schedules kept preventing this. When Lani’s daughter was going to be baptized a few days before Christmas, Lani and her family traveled to Virginia for the ceremony. They were going through my town in South Carolina anyway and we made plans to meet. But the only time we could meet would be at about midnight. Our first meeting in person was at a Waffle House over coffee and hash browns! We had been talking almost daily and were so excited to finally have a face to put with the voice we had grown accustomed to hearing. Lani had not seen Kinsey and her adoptive family since birth and she was nervous. I gave her many hugs and words of encouragement that night at the Waffle House.

At first all we talked about was adoption, but as time wore on, our friendship became more than adoption. We discussed everything from our childhoods, to our jobs, our relationships, and our hopes and dreams. Basically, our past, present, and future! Life had actually started to have a future again! We were helping one another cope with the pain and healing. Lani invited me down to Georgia for a fun weekend of scrap booking. I was planning a wedding and had asked Lani to stand with me as bridesmaid. When my Grandmother passed away, Lani was there with me in Georgia helping me get through it all. At this point, we had realized that the hole in our hearts would never completely go away but that the pain would fade and subside.

Our status as birthmothers is what started a wonderful and unbreakable sisterly bond. Having each other to lean on is what got us through the first few months. I can not imagine being a birthmother and not having a friend there who understood what I was feeling before I even got the words out of my mouth. We both wanted other birthmothers to have contacts and friends who were birthmothers as well to lean on. That’s how Birthmother Buds was born.

Birthmother Buds is a website and non-profit organization Lani and I created in hopes of providing friendship and support for other birthmothers. We knew how much we had helped each other in the beginning when he had first become birth mothers and found each other. We wanted to make it easier for birth moms to connect, relate, and form friendships with someone who truly understands. The web site features a forum, chat room, an inspiration page with poems, both of our stories, a birthmother showcase page, and our main attraction, "the buddy system." A birthmother can fill out a short form and be matched with a "buddy," who is a birthmother with similar interests to her own. At this point BirthMom Buds is still small and growing. We are still trying to spread the word of BirthMom Buds and recruit buddies. Lani and I have big dreams and goals for BirthMom Buds. Eventually we want to have a toll free BirthMom Buds "hot line" where birth moms can call when they are feeling down and need someone to talk to.

Our lives were forever changed when we became birth moms. Now, we want to help other birth moms just as we helped each other. Lani made my transition to birth mom easier and for that I am forever thankful! Every birth mom needs someone that understands them and knows how they feel. With BirthMom Buds I hope we can do just that!

To visit Coley and Lani’s site, BirthMom Buds, go to http://www.birthmombuds.com.

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