Self-Destructive/Mutilation Behavior

This is reprinted with Jackie's permission!

Hopefully no one will take this the wrong way, but as a person who spent over 20 years cutting, head banging, etc., maybe I can shed a little light on the reasons, and what helps and what doesn't.

The main thing to remember is that ALL self mutilation happens because the pain and fear inside is so intense that there is no way to put it into words that would make sense. There are no words that can
adequately describe that kind of pain. Additionally, as human beings, that kind of pain does not make sense to us - especially to the one feeling it. Cutting and head banging and feeling the physical pain from that does make sense and we are able to understand why that hurts. Just as all of you struggle with trying to understand why these kids do the things they do, kids who have endured the kind of abuse that these kids have, also struggle with trying to understand why they hurt inside so bad.
Next, think about how you respond to different kinds of pain. If someone is sad or hurting, you may give them a hug, or tell them that you care and that it will be "all right". But you can't truly understand how they feel. If someone has a physical injury, you can see it, you can understand it, and you will perform ACTIONS that will help fix it. Even though what you are doing is focused on the physical injury, your actions are actually helping fix the emotions inside. And finally, if I tell you that I hurt inside, you won't know or understand how deep that hurt and fear is. But if I cut or bang my head and you see blood or a bump you know how much it hurts. It is something that you can relate to. Therefore, it is a way of telling you how bad I feel.

Now, for a small nominal fee, I will tell you how to help fix it............. Just kidding

The most important thing is: DO NOT PUNISH THE BEHAVIOR. If you do, you are sending the message that the feelings that are causing it are wrong.

As a parent, you don't want your child to hurt themselves, but I can guarantee you that you will send the wrong message and only make things worse by using punishment to try to stop it.

Instead, focus on fixing the injury in a loving and accepting way. The first therapist that I had that really understood what I was going through and why I couldn't just stop, has one rule for all of her
clients: "I won't stop you from hurting yourself, but you have to tell me about it, and you have to get medical treatment if you need it." Not to say that hurting yourself is acceptable, but until something else can replace it, at least it doesn't become hidden from those who can help. Ask yourself what it would take for you to pick up a razor blade and cut yourself. Can you even imagine it? Probably not. But those of us who have suffered intense abuse, can not only imagine it, we have lived it,
and learned that is what we are suppose to feel. And it is not easy to overcome. I cut, head banged, etc. from 10 yr.. old until 34. I am now 39, and I still think about it sometimes, I just don't do it anymore because I have learned words to explain how I feel. Have you ever seen the pictures of the faces with the feelings listed? It is one of the greatest things for people like us. It helps us figure out what we are feeling. While you know what you feel, kids who have been abused, honestly don't know what they feel because feelings and actions did not match when they were learning about feelings. By using the faces, you can find out how the child is perceiving what they are feeling. And then have them pick out the one they would like to feel like and it will give you the chance to talk about how to get there.

Meanwhile, some things that help to give the same intensity as cutting, picking, head banging, etc.:

1. Give them a rubber band to keep on their wrist. When the feelings get too intense have them snap the rubber band. It hurts, and will cause a welt, but does not cause any long term damage.

2. Hold an ice cube in your hand until it melts. Not only is this intense, but it gives the same feeling as blood running. (Sorry if that sounds disgusting, but it is a reality)

3. Get a set of washable markers and let them draw the cuts, bruises, etc. on their skin. Don't make them wash them off later. Let them decide when it is okay to wash them off. At the same time have them work on drawing the same things on paper. Eventually they will do it more on paper that on themselves. Make sure you have plenty of red, black and purple markers!

4. Encourage them to sit in the middle of the floor and rock while they visualize banging their head. If they aren't able to do that yet, take a thick piece of foam an attach it to a wall, and let them bang their head there. With head banging, it is more the action of back and forth that helps with the inside feelings, not really the pain that is caused. By the way, rocking chairs don't work for this.

Now, I wouldn't normally say this, but since I know that all of you are "strange" parents already, try doing these activities with your children. Talk about what you are feeling and why. Talk about real
issues in your life and how they make you feel and what you do to deal with those feelings. Remember we don't understand how feelings and actions are "supposed to be related."

I know this was kind of long, but I hope it helps. If anyone wants to email me privately to ask anything else, please feel free to do so. I don't mind talking about things at this point. My email is:
jackieann@frognet.net