Being Educated About Attachment-Real Issues in Adopting Older Children

My primary point is that one shouldn't go into this (Adopting system's kids) expecting that 'love will
conquer all'. It won't (albeit, it is vital!). And if the adopting parent is unprepared, or uneducated regarding the real issues/effects of the various disorders that many children bring with them from the system it can be catastrophic to the adopting family, marriage and other children.

I'm an adult adoptee who was raised primarily 'in the system'. I'm a birth mom, a bio mom and an adoptive mom of more than 20 years (gee that's a long time) experience. What works for me and my family may not work for others. If it wasn't fun, I wouldn't be getting on the RAD roller coaster when most women are looking at slowing down, playing with grandchildren and having it a bit easier than when they were 20. (Or maybe that says more about MY lack of 'sanity'?)

For me, there is no more rewarding thing I can do in my life than work with my kids and help them heal and recover. Not to mention the much more important (for me anyway) aspect, which is that I strongly believe this is what God wants/desires that I do with my life.

I went in to this adoption of my four daughters with eyes wide open. Having parented eight RAD/alphabet soup special needs children in my first family, I knew the odds were high that our girls would have RAD symptoms/traits. (What surprised us was that the one child in the group who was characterized as 'completely healthy and normal' is full blown RAD, ADHD, PTSD, ODD, OCD, and more. There is little evidence in her paperwork of any of these problems.)

I love my children. I love what we do as a adoptive family of special needs children.

However, I want other families to go into this knowing what they may face, knowing that they need to get themselves educated, resourced and prepared, with all the information and support they can find, so that their adoptions don't become the thing that destroyed their lives. Those of us who work with disruptions know the extremely heavy toll this can and often does take on adoptive families. And too often, in my opinion, we are silent about the risks and the results.

It's a silent epidemic, like alcoholism was for so many years, what children with RAD and other major emotional issues can do to families. There are some who believe that FULLY HALF of all EE adoptions are disrupting due to RAD and FAS. Sadly, there is no research at the moment, and a cloak of secrecy about this whole issue that leaves families in fear and pain. There is not even much research on the degree of disruption with state adoptions, again due to fear. Not just the adopting families, but the
social and case workers involved.

Love 'won't conquer all' when it comes to children who've been so violated, abused, neglected, abandoned, often as much by the system as by the families they started out with.

With over a half million children in the foster care system it's clear that we need MORE dedicated families to do what ever can be done to help these children heal and recover. It is also clear that the system is not much concerned with that at all, and works poorly at best. As adopting parents we need to take charge of our own lives, that of our children and fight as hard as we can for them to help them heal and recover.

As a group, we can do a lot to make the system work more effectively for our beloved children. The first step in doing so is to BE EDUCATED about the real issues, what will work and what doesn't work to help them. The second step is to write, write, write, letters to the president (who seems to be pro adoption) to our congressman, to our legislatures, and anyone else who can make change happen.

We owe it to our children and to ourselves.

Again, my experience and my two cents worth.

respectfully
Deedee 

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