Birthmoms Q&A with Kristin

Below are responses to some questions I presented to Kristen, a birthmother-friend that did the radio show in Arizona last week (May 2003). Though it's just her opinion, it might give you some ideas! She also works with a lot of other birthmothers in a support group. I think she's very intelligent and I trust her judgment and suggestions.

----what is the best way to meet a birthmother (first meeting, i.e. restaurant, park, etc).

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking here but for the first meeting (as in the bmom is in the decision process and she wants to meet the prospective a-parents for the first in-person), I like the idea of meeting at one of the agencies or attorney conference room if you are going that route. To me, that is the best place because you are not in the open and don't have to worry if the people sitting in the booth behind you are listening and wondering what the heck is going on. It is much more private and I found that I also did not have to worry about seeing someone I knew and having the awkwardness of saying hello/introductions...

The meetings I had were all at the agency, although once I selected the family we'd get together for lunch or go get ice cream... When we met at the agency it was in a meeting room. I'm guessing most agencies have some sort of room like that. Another bonus for meeting at the agency is it's good if kids are involved, either the adoptive parents having other children or the b-mom parenting children. For me, the adoptive parents had children and there were a lot of toys and they could run around the room vs. sitting at a table in a restaurant. Park is also good but to me that always seemed so cheesy. Not sure why, I guess b/c that's the stereotypical place to meet pre and post placement (in open adoptions).


------what are some good gifts for the birthmother once matched

For me, I chose the family about 5 months into my pregnancy and we got together about every 3-4 weeks. One thing that really meant a lot to me as the adoptive mom would call once a week to see how I'm doing... I did not get the sense she was "checking up on me like a mom." Instead, it came off as very caring and that they were thinking of me and the baby growing... I would caution against showering the bmom with gifts, especially before placement. I think I even resisted them buying my ice cream, just because I felt more comfortable paying my share. If you get to know each other during pregnancy and a big holiday like Xmas or the bmom's birthday comes up, I think a card and maybe a small (emphasis on small) gift would be appropriate. I always liked gifts that had meaning from the a-family.

The way it happened to turn out for us is I had a scheduled induction. I was to report to the hospital at 7:30 p.m. with a hopeful delivery sometime the next morning/afternoon The family (at my request) came by the hospital that first evening. They brought me a stuffed teddy bear that their 6 yr old daughter had picked out. There was a nice card expressing love for me, good luck....

They also said they bought the identical bear for the baby when she is born. I did not deliver until two days later and was in the hospital for 6 total days (two days induction and four day recovery from c-section). The family was at the hospital a lot (at my request...) and brought flowers one day.

They always called before coming and asked if there's anything they could pick up for me. Again, I'm stressing just the thoughtfulness. They did not have something in their hands every time they walked into the room and that was a good thing! We ended up exchanging gifts the night before I signed the papers/entrustment ceremony/left the hospital.

The gift exchange wasn't a planned thing or even discussed at all. I had bought gifts and vice versa. I had bought the baby a couple of gifts and something little for their two other children and my parents had stuff.... They gave me a silver heart box with the words "always close at heart" engraved.

NOTE: we had arranged for a semi open adoption and envisioned getting together 1-2 times a year. The family always said they are open to more openness if I change my mind. About six weeks after placement the adoption developed into an open one getting together about every 4-6 weeks. At placement they also gave me one of those silver link bracelets with the heart charm. They had engraved my name on one side and the baby's name on the other side. The adoptive mom's mom gave me an April girl necklace.

I emphasize a gift with meaning and related to the adoption (names engraved on jewelry...). One bmom was given a necklace with a pearl charm. Pearls are often used in adoption because they symbolize it to some degree. A pearl begins as a grain of salt that irritated the oyster? then it develops into this beautiful pearl.. I remember giving Pamela a list of ideas. Maybe she still has it.

I think that's it for gifts I received. I would have to look back in my scrapbook. After placement as holidays have come they have given me framed photos, an angel teddy bear glitter globe, flowers on mom's day and the baby's birthday... Again, gifts with meaning vs. a sweater or DVD...


------- Is there any suggestions on etiquette between the birthmom and adoptive parents prior to the birth as far as keeping in touch?

I addressed this a little above with the a-mom calling once a week and us getting together regularly thru my pregnancy. I think every case is different. That was great for me and I wanted to get together. Some bmoms may not want to get together before b/c of fear it'd make placement harder. Some bmoms may interpret weekly calls as the a-parents are worried she is not taking care of herself... The most important thing is discussing this with the bmom. What does she want/not want? What do you as a-parents want/don't want? As in every stage of adoption, I think respect and consideration are the most important things. If you approach the bmom with respect and consideration and vice versa it will probably be natural to devise a contact plan.

I will say a VERY important thing is to establish and confirm, and maybe even confirm again, what the next step will be at placement. For me, I was to call or e-mail when I wanted pics, contact, to see how the baby is, etc. That was by choice. I remember the a-parents confirming that a couple of times. It's important b/c I have heard many times in adoption how the bmom does not want to call b/c the family is busy and she does not want to bother them or be perceived as a nag, etc. Then, at the same time, the a-family is hesitant to initiate the first contact b/c they don't want to cause pain to the bmom. They think maybe she is doing good or having the one good day in a week and if they call it may make her sad and set her back, etc...

So, when leaving with the baby, establish what is next. Of course it can be adjusted but make sure everyone understands it. Like I said, for me, we decided I would contact them first. They repeated this, OK so you will be getting in touch with us... I delivered in mid-April and waited until the end of May to approach them about an open adoption because I wanted to take the time and make sure to myself that this is what I really wanted vs. acting impulsively in the first few weeks because at that time obviously i missed her and wanted to see her, hear how she is, etc....

------- Profile! Big one! What is the best and most attractive profile most birthmothers like as far as presentation?

First of all, honesty. This is not a profile for a house someone is trying to sell with a plan of accentuating the positives while hiding the areas that need repair... I liked the ones that did not come off as a sales pitch. Also, I liked photos so I could get a visual of who I was reading about. Crafty myself, I liked letters that were on colored, or themed paper vs. the standard white paper stock with black typed letters. I liked letters that were personally signed, some even down to the scribbled child's name.

I have heard many bmoms who have a specific thing they are looking for, something that has nothing to do with parenting skills but a quirk, if you will, that was important for them for whatever reason. One woman wanted the family to have a pet, one passed on all-blonde families. I write about some people having little quirks because it shows it is impossible to draft the perfect letter. An honest letter will attract the right birthmom(s) out there interested in learning more about you. Does that make sense?

That being said, I liked the letters that read more like stories vs. a resume of why they are the family for the baby. I liked letters that acknowledged the birthmom (something like, we are thinking of you during this difficult time or we admire your love and courage and wish you the best...). This did not come off as kissing butt or anything. Rather, it made the letter more conversational and showed that the family obviously saw all parts of adoption: in addition to wanting to tell the bmom about them they wanted to directly speak to the bmom. I also liked letters that gave me an overview, a snapshot of the family with some details but not pages and pages and pages.

Most letters were 1-2 pages. It was nice to know their jobs, family history (when married, other children, where lived...). The ironic thing is that, like a cover letter on a resume, the good letters are ones that pique interest. But again, I think it goes back to the fact that you have to be honest and write about your family and trust that it will attract a birthmom out there who was meant to be attracted by you -- I'm not saying placement is guaranteed but there is a common level of interest. If it helps, think of it as a spin-off to a personal ad for a date. You are putting info about you out there hoping it has an effect on someone with similar interests/background -- someone who you will relate to you on some level and vice versa.

Adoption is a two way street. The a-parents are looking for a baby and the bmom is looking for someone to entrust her baby to. And, the situation has to feel right for all parties involved. The letter is just the first step of the introduction and possibly getting to know each other more.

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