Adoption IS different

I'm an adult adoptee, bio mom, birth mom, and adoptive mom.

I placed a child for adoption 25 years ago. I gave birth to five other children that I raised. I adopted EIGHT children with attachment issues and mental health problems who had bee adopted and the adoption disrupted.

I am currently raising two boys adopted at age eight days and at birth and four bio siblings, ages 2, 4, 7, 8 who have between THREE of them 29 various diagnoses, including bipolar disorder, ODD, OCD< ADHD, Reactive
Attachment Disorder, schizo-affective disorder and other 'alphabet soup' disorders. I was a Marriage and Family Therapist for some 15 years.

There are some things all parents adopting infants ought to know, but few people have the knowledge or courage to say them. Being a buttinsky old Mohawk, I'm going to say them here. I want all of you to LISTEN UP! This is
crucial information.

You are also, of course, free to ignore everything that follows, free advice being worth exactly what you paid for it.

Adopting children is NOT the same as giving birth.

Babies are much more aware of what happens BEFORE their birth than most folks realize.

One CANNOT and SHOULD NOT parent an adopted infant the same as a bio infant.

One risks severe long term problems like Reactive Attachment Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder if one does.

Babies cry because they NEED, because they are Hungry, Sad, Scared, in Pain or LONELY.

Adopted children should be held as nearly close to 24/7 as is physically possible. When we adopted our Isaiah, at eight days old, he already had significant grief and loss and attachment issues. He cried non stop. He wanted to be held every minute of every day. He nearly died from medical and emotional problems.

We put him in a snuggly, and I carried him ALL day, EVERY day. The house work and laundry waited till my husband came home at night, and took over holding Isaiah. Even when I went to the bathroom Isaiah was in the snuggly. At night he slept on either my chest or my husbands. This went on till he was eight months old. He's 22 months old now and still sleeps with us. We did as much skin to skin contact with him as we could. Massages two or more times a day, and touching ALWAYS. Showers, more massages, more cuddling and more cuddling.

Adopted children MUST NOT be allowed  EVER to 'cry it out'. That cry is a plea for help. They need help to bond with the adopting family. The voices they hear after adoption are not the voices they heard in the womb. They knew those voices (before birth) and must learn to know and trust yours.

Trust of care, that is, asking for something and having a caregiver supply it, CONSISTENTLY, is a crucial and vital stop in attachment/bonding. Inconsistency, like meeting a need in the day time but not at night, can
set an infant up for major emotional issues throughout their life. An infant doesn't know that night time is different than day time. They only understand that the voices they knew and trusted before birth have been replaced by other, new and strange voices.

One cannot hold/touch a newborn adopted infant TOO MUCH. Not possible. One should NEVER prop a bottle, or ignore crying. One cannot spoil a baby with too much touch or too much love.

Only mom or dad should be feeding baby. If it's possible to breastfeed, one should do it, no matter how much or little milk one can produce. No matter how inconvenient it is, or how much easier a bottle may be for the parents.
This is about a baby's emotional health for his entire life!

A Lact-Aid nursing supplementer is one of the best $50 one can spend. Others aside from brothers or sisters SHOULD NOT be holding that baby until after at least 8 or 10 months of age. That baby NEEDS to know that mom and dad will meet ALL his needs, ALL OF THE TIME.

Bonding successfully is a crucial and essential need for an infant. It is not complete ever in a child's life. The most essential parts occur between birth and three. But it continues through out child hood and into young adult hood.

Get and read Nancy Thomas's books: When Love is NOT Enough. The first chapter covers infant/toddler bonding in clear, easy to understand language.

Too many people want to pretend that adoption is 'the same' as giving birth. This is absolutely false. God made our biologies, and our bodies, souls and spirits. Babies are meant to be conceived in love, raised by those who conceived them and loved through out their lives by that first family.

Unfortunately, many birth families are unable to do that, but loving enough to find a family that can provide for their baby. Sadly, for many of us adopting parents, for whatever reasons, cannot build our families biologically and so we have adoption as a loving choice for all involved. That also gives us a precious and Sacred duty to all involved, the birth families, the infant, our other children, and our marriage partners.

The most important step, in my mind and experience is to bond lovingly and in a healthy fashion with that beautiful and precious infant.

NOTHING is more important than caring for that baby and meeting his needs. Not housework, or company, or neighbors, or meals, or television shows. Not reading email, or your favorite book or going out with your friends. That baby MUST be your priority until he's at least 18 months old and longer if you can do it.

My second baby, whom I talked to in the womb, who's mother loved and cherished him while he grew, knew my voice from the moment of his birth. Before he was born, from about six months on, when I would call to talk to
his tummy mummy, she would take the phone and put it on her tummy. We would both tell him we loved him, that his tummy mummy was growing him so he could be MY son. His birthmom told him that she loved him so much, but God had put him in her tummy so he could live and grow up with us, and that she would always love him.

At his birth he had some complications due to medical stupidity and ended up on a ventilator, in NICU. When I first went in, and touched his leg and said, "Isaac, Mommy's here", he opened his eyes and looked right at me. He
had been totally unresponsive to voice or touch until that moment. The NICU nurse was astounded. (I'm Native American and he's AA). She kept asking how he could know MY voice? Isaac has never had the intense issues of bonding that Isaiah had.

Isaiah was born 3 weeks early, no prenatal care and his mother never saw or held him. Never spoke to him. Didn't bond before he was born or after. I understand her reasons, but Isaiah paid a heavy price for that choice.

Both our boys were carried in snuggly's till they were too heavy for me to continue, and with my husband for months longer. Both were NEVER put in a stroller that faced away from us when we went out. My housework and laundry went mostly undone for the early months and then we hired a young student to come in and help get stuff done, cuz my job was to be a mommy.

My four older girls were all born premature, drug exposed and remained in NICU for months. Two were returned to the bio family and violently abused. The other two were placed in multiple foster care homes. All four girls
have reactive attachment disorder, and many other problems associated with lack of bonding/care. It will take years of intense therapy for them to love and trust and grow into healthy people.  We are committed to doing our
best to help them become healthier and learn to love and trust.


There is a lot of information on attachment parenting on the Internet and many good books. Find them and read them. This is about our children's souls, folks.

Many of you think I'm being 'overboard'. I'm NOT. You MUST take this seriously and put the time and energy into it that is needed for your babies to bond strongly. God had given you a precious trust, in these infants you have taken into your hearts and homes.  When one day we all face Him, I want to be able to say:

I DID MY BEST for YOUR children.

respectfully
Deedee
 

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